As parents for over a decade, my partner Alex and I have navigated the chaos of raising three children. Let me tell you, the things we say to each other—and to our kids—at 3 a.m. are often outrageous. It’s like sleep deprivation turns us into different people. Here’s a glimpse of what we’ve uttered during those sleepless nights:
- Just swing your arms in the closet. If something’s lurking, you’ll teach it a lesson.
- I can’t remember if I left a soggy diaper in the bed or tossed it in the wash. Can you figure it out? I’m too drained.
- I don’t know where Mr. Fluffy is, and honestly, I don’t care. Just go to sleep! If you keep this up, I’ll find him and toss him out the window.
- What’s with that grin? It’s 4 a.m.! Now I’m smiling too. I resent that we’re both smiling right now.
- He won’t sleep because of his diaper rash. Can we just ice it or something?
- I love you, but if you don’t close your eyes soon, I might just collapse. Is that what you want?
- Please stop yelling! My brain feels like it’s going to explode.
- The baby had a major blowout, and you’ve got gas! It smells like a horror movie in here. One more fart, and I swear…
- I understand your tummy hurts, but please, just puke in the bowl. It’s not rocket science—stick your face in there!
- No more asking for candy! It’s midnight! I’ll eat them all right in front of you. Happy now?
- Great, now you’ve woken up your brother. You’re not winning any popularity contests here!
- Stop being so adorable. It’s making it hard for me to stay angry at you.
- Why am I crying? Because every time I finally doze off, you or the baby wake me up! I feel like I want to saw off your legs!
- Sometimes, being up with the kids feels like I’m trapped in a dark pit.
- You’re 9! Get your own drink! Whatever’s scary in the kitchen pales in comparison to me right now.
- How are you still asleep through all this noise? Do you secretly hate me?
- It’s your turn! I just spent an hour listening to the baby cry while you snored like a freight train.
- Turn off the bathroom light! You don’t need a spotlight to pee! I do it in the dark all the time.
- It’s 5 a.m.! No way you’re playing on the iPad now.
- If you tumble out of bed, just climb back in. That’s how life works!
- Go to sleep now, and I’ll give you cookies for breakfast.
- Don’t touch my face! I’ve been awake with you for over an hour. We’re not buddies right now.
- Stop gnawing on me! You’re behaving like a wild animal!
- Why is the baby laughing? It’s like she’s on something. I could use some of that!
- You were asleep! You were asleep! You were asleep!
- I swear I’m going to duct tape that pacifier to her mouth!
- She can’t breathe because of her stuffy nose. Just suck it out or something—I’m too tired to care!
- I cuddle with you, and you shove me away. I set you down, and you cry. You’re as perplexing as your father!
- Why am I wet right now?
- Thanks for getting up with her. It’s making me feel a little flirty, even though I’m utterly exhausted.
We can’t be the only ones experiencing this chaos, right?
For more about navigating parenthood, check out our post on the at-home insemination kit for insights into starting your family. If you’re on a journey to parenthood, you might find advice from this authority helpful. Additionally, the NICHD offers excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, being a parent at night can feel like a wild rollercoaster of emotions and absurd conversations. But it’s always good to find humor and solidarity in the shared experiences of sleepless nights.