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Pregnancy
The Birth Plan I Wish I Had Written
by Emily Carter
Updated: July 2, 2020
Originally Published: Aug. 11, 2016
Recently, while tidying up, I stumbled upon a relic of my past: my birth plan. As I read through it, I couldn’t help but cringe at the long list of demands—natural birth, a serene environment, soft lighting, and more. Did I really need two whole pages of instructions? Reflecting on it, I daydreamed about what I truly wished I had penned down.
So here’s my reimagined birth plan:
Oh wow! I’m about to have a baby! Yay! I’m in labor, though I assume you already guessed that. I’ve thoughtfully crafted my preferences for this experience, and I’m excited to share them with you!
- Let’s get straight to the point: I’m clueless about how to “push.” Seriously, I struggle with constipation! So please avoid any comparisons to bowel movements; when I need to go, I just go—no effort required.
- On that note, if I happen to poop during delivery, please make sure I remain blissfully unaware. Maybe distract my partner, too—preserving my dignity is crucial!
- I’m a screamer by nature. To protect the ears of my wonderful nurses, I’ve brought ear plugs. If necessary, I’m happy to provide some headache relief as well.
- Please don’t offer me a mirror unless I have food stuck in my teeth. I prefer to leave the visuals of childbirth to my imagination; I really don’t want to see myself in such a vulnerable state.
- Needles in my spine? No thank you! I’m not a fan of them. However, I would appreciate some laughing gas to take the edge off.
- I can be indecisive, especially under pressure. I apologize in advance if I waffle between ice chips or water, walking or squatting, and whether to lie down or bounce on a birthing ball.
- I’m eager to breastfeed my newborn. I’ve done my homework on this, but I might need some guidance and encouragement. I’ll bring pom-poms for cheerleading!
- Please refrain from giving my baby a pacifier. This isn’t about nipple confusion (I still don’t fully grasp that concept). I’m thinking long-term—who wants to deal with weaning off a soother?
- I’d like to request a stockpile of mesh panties—apparently, they are an essential item in every postpartum wardrobe.
- Lastly, I’d like to initiate a “give birth and get a vasectomy” program for my husband. Please schedule his procedure for a couple of hours after I’m comfortably settled with our baby. He can have the laughing gas, though—just kidding!
Congratulations on making it to the end of my birth plan! You’re a champ!
Now, here’s the most crucial part, so please pay close attention. You probably read countless birth plans each year, witnessing both joyful moments and challenging outcomes. Your role is vital, and the way you communicate and treat us matters immensely. Thank you for your smiles, your encouragement, and your compassion.
Your presence means everything to us as we welcome our new family member. In appreciation, I’ve included a coffee card to share with the wonderful nurses and staff on duty. Today’s coffee is on me!
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Summary:
This article humorously reimagines a birth plan, highlighting the author’s lighthearted yet earnest wishes for labor. From avoiding mirrors to requesting earplugs for the nurses, the piece emphasizes the importance of clear communication and appreciation for medical staff during childbirth.