Maintaining my sanity as a parent has required the support of not just one, but two distinct families. Like everyone else, I have my birth family and in-laws, but I also have a chosen family—one built on love and mutual respect rather than blood ties. While I didn’t select my biological family, I consciously chose this surrogate family, and for that, I feel incredibly fortunate.
Before becoming a parent, my close friends were my primary support system. Every challenge was manageable with the help of best friends and relatives. Whether it was getting bailed out of a tight spot by my parents, having my best friend stand by my side at my wedding, or relying on my girlfriends for emotional support during tough times, my network felt complete. Then came the transition to parenthood.
Initially, my parents and in-laws were there to offer their help, but their advice often felt overwhelming. They would share their thoughts on feeding, sleeping, and other parenting practices that didn’t align with my own values. Sure, they cooked meals and held the baby long enough for me to take a shower, but the pressure to maintain my home as I had in the past was exhausting. I quickly realized that their assistance often came with strings attached, and I found myself longing for a different type of support.
As I navigated the complexities of parenthood, I wanted to raise my child in a way that resonated with my beliefs. This meant making decisions that sometimes contradicted my upbringing, which led to feelings of resentment toward my parents. The more I reflected on my childhood, the more I felt the need to carve my own path, pushing my parents away in the process.
My friends, while well-meaning, often felt out of touch. They arrived with gifts that seemed misplaced, like oversized stuffed animals and baby clothes in sizes far too large. They would offer to help, but many vanished into their own lives, leaving me alone with a newborn who seemed to have unlimited needs.
Then I remembered my friend, Sarah, who had a baby just a year prior. She called ahead, bringing a homemade meal and an understanding ear. She listened to my birth story, held my baby while I showered, and even took me on a much-needed trip to Target when I felt stuck at home.
I also found courage to attend local parenting groups, like La Leche League and Babywearing International. I met other mothers who were experiencing the same challenges I was facing. It felt like I was making friends all over again, and I exchanged numbers with several of them, organizing playdates and coffee meet-ups. Some of those connections have turned into lasting friendships.
In addition to those new mom friends, I was fortunate to have some childless friends who embraced my new role. They may not have changed diapers, but they offered to babysit when I needed a break and remained a vital part of our lives. Their presence enriched my children’s world, and their love for my kids blossomed over time.
Another blessing came in the form of a lovely older couple we met at our community center. They became like surrogate grandparents to my children, providing wisdom and guidance without the tension that could arise with my own parents. Their insights were invaluable, and the bond we formed over shared interests and love for my kids was truly special.
Cultivating a second family, a village, is an incredible advantage. While my biological family holds a significant place in my life, having additional support—people who are there out of love and choice—enriches our experience. These are the individuals who bring over chicken soup when I’m unwell and lend their car when mine breaks down. They become our emergency contacts and the ones who can step in at a moment’s notice.
Ultimately, the importance of this surrogate family cannot be overstated. They are as much a part of our lives as anyone else, and I know that my family and I are better for it. It’s essential to recognize that these relationships are mutually beneficial; just as they support us, we uplift them in return.
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In summary, nurturing a chosen family alongside your biological one can significantly enhance your happiness and overall family dynamics. Embrace these relationships, as they provide essential support and connection in the journey of parenthood.