From the moment my daughters entered the world, I noticed distinct aspects of their personalities. My eldest was a spirited and determined baby, traits that continue to both impress and challenge me. In contrast, my younger daughter was born with a cheerful demeanor and a glimmer in her eye, even while battling a bit of newborn goo. She remains a joyful and imaginative little rebel.
In addition to their personalities, I’ve realized that infants also exhibit unique “sleep temperaments.” While factors like feeding methods—breastfed babies often wake more frequently due to faster digestion—play a role, I believe some children simply adapt to self-soothing more readily than others.
Recently, I observed a newborn who seemed to embody this idea perfectly. She was nestled on the couch next to her mom, drowsy after nursing but not fully asleep. With a gentle smile directed at me, her eyelids began to droop, and she effortlessly drifted off to sleep. I was taken aback; I had never witnessed such a smooth transition before.
The advice to “put your baby down drowsy but awake” was something I had heard repeatedly, yet it never worked for my children. I tried everything—nursing them until they were practically in a stupor, only to have them awake the moment I placed them down, looking at me as if I were an alien.
Curious about the easy-going baby, I asked her mom what her secret was. “Oh, she’s always been like this,” she replied, adding that she hadn’t engaged in any sleep training. This baby wasn’t using a pacifier or sucking her thumb, and she was surrounded by lively adults and other babies. It was astonishing.
In contrast, I recently reached a point where I could tuck my youngest into bed and leave the room—she’s now 9, although I suspect this milestone began a couple of years ago. Many parents opt for sleep training their children, a choice my family did not make; it’s highly personal. Personally, I can’t bear the thought of letting a baby cry, and I doubted it would have been effective for my little ones considering their sleep patterns.
I’ve met numerous children for whom sleep training either didn’t work or was short-lived, often disrupted by illness or travel. If you find yourself with a baby who hasn’t mastered self-soothing or if your attempts to teach it have been unsuccessful, remember this: you have not failed. It is undoubtedly challenging to manage a child who struggles with sleep, but it doesn’t reflect poorly on you or your little one.
Self-soothing is not a prerequisite for successful infant sleep. While it can simplify nighttime routines, the exhaustion of lying awake waiting for your child to calm down—or attending to them in the middle of the night for what feels like an eternity—can be managed in various ways. Consider sharing the bedtime responsibilities with your partner, co-sleeping for convenience, or taking turns sleeping in on weekends. And yes, using devices for a bit of quiet time is perfectly acceptable. What works for one family might not work for another, but prioritizing self-care can help you regain some much-needed rest and sanity.
Most importantly, even if you never actively teach your child to self-soothe, it is likely that they will eventually learn to do so on their own. I can’t predict when this will occur; ideally, it will be sooner rather than later, but it does happen. Children naturally develop a desire for independence. No one heads off to college still needing their parents to help them fall asleep!
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In summary, don’t stress if your child hasn’t learned to self-soothe yet; it’s not a reflection of your parenting. Focus on what works for your family, and trust that your child will eventually find their way to independence.