I grew up in an environment where spanking was a norm. I recall it vividly—not just as a form of discipline, but as a looming threat, with a hand meeting my backside more times than I’d like to remember. The last instance of being spanked, however, remains etched in my memory. My cousin and I were engaged in a game of Girl Talk when one of the dares prompted us to prank call someone. I picked up a vintage portable phone, complete with a protruding antenna, and dialed a random number. An elderly woman answered, and with a cheeky, “Bye!” I hung up, and we erupted into laughter.
Unbeknownst to us, the woman called back. “Hello?” she inquired. I handed the phone to my dad, only to hear his furious voice booming from downstairs. He was furious, and when he got his hands on me, I felt the sting of his slap. In that moment, my thoughts weren’t about feeling remorseful for the prank or considering the woman I had inconvenienced. Instead, I felt a rush of shame and anger, thinking, You can only hit me because you’re bigger. I vowed then and there to never use spanking as a form of discipline for my own children.
As I matured, those feelings lingered. Each time I was spanked, I experienced that same blend of shame and frustration, and I was determined to break the cycle. When I found out I was pregnant, I made it clear to everyone: “My child will never be spanked.” Responses varied from applause to skepticism, but my stance was unwavering. No child of mine would face corporal punishment.
When we applied to be foster parents, I found support for my beliefs. The agency strictly prohibited any form of corporal punishment, and as others in the room reacted with disbelief, I felt a surge of confidence, believing I could raise children without resorting to hitting. I embraced positive parenting principles that emphasized understanding, communication, and never using physical punishment. I thought I knew exactly how to navigate parenthood.
Then came the chaos of having three boys aged 6, 4, and 2. One chaotic morning, as I stood amidst piles of laundry attempting to apply makeup, I heard the sounds of playful swordplay turn to distress. My eldest burst into the room, tears streaming down his face, exclaiming, “Max bit me!” Max had been relentless with his roughhousing all morning. The sight of my eldest’s injured arm ignited something within me.
In a flash, I called for Max, and to my dismay, he complied. In a moment of blind rage, I grabbed him by the arm and spanked him hard. He let out a shocked scream, and as I released him, I shouted, “Don’t ever bite your brother again!” He crumpled to the floor, sobbing. A wave of guilt washed over me as I recalled my pledge to avoid spanking. I felt a mix of sadness and shame, realizing that I had acted out of anger, contradicting everything I believed in.
One of the tenets of positive parenting is the importance of acknowledging when you’re wrong. I often admit my faults, whether it’s raising my voice or rushing the kids during meals. I knew I had to apologize for what I had just done, but I struggled to find the right words.
“Max? Sweetheart?” I knelt beside him, embracing him in a hug. “I’m truly sorry for hitting you.”
“You hit me, Mama!” he responded, bewildered and hurt. In his mind, mothers didn’t resort to hitting.
“I did. I hit you because I was angry, and I’m really, really sorry. I promise I won’t hit you again.”
“Do you promise?” my eldest inquired, still processing the situation.
“I promise, darling,” I assured him.
However, once the door to spanking opened, it became challenging to close. I found myself resorting to threats of spanking during moments of frustration. Each time, my children would remind me, “No hitting, Mama! You promised!” And they were right. I had made a promise to myself and to them.
I hope this time, I can uphold that commitment.
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Summary:
The author reflects on her experience with spanking as a child and her vow never to use it as a form of discipline for her own kids. However, when faced with the challenges of parenting three young boys, she struggles with her principles and ultimately spanks one of her sons in an angry moment. This incident leads her to confront her beliefs about discipline, apologize to her son, and reaffirm her commitment to positive parenting.