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Dear Exhausted Mama,
I completely understand what you’re going through. You’re likely breastfeeding a newborn or juggling a toddler or two who seem to need you every second of the day. Your preschooler has probably decided that clinging to you is the only way to tackle life. You’re waking up multiple times at night for feedings, nightmares, or the myriad challenges that come with nighttime parenting.
You’ve been loved on all day—touched, hugged, snuggled, and kissed. By the time evening arrives, the last thing you want is more physical intimacy. Trust me, I get it. I’ve been in your shoes. After the arrival of our first child, my libido took a serious dive. While we had two more kids without trying, I often found myself engaging in pity sex. The desire for physical closeness was absent most of the time. Well, let’s be honest—about 97% of the time.
It was tough. I felt guilty for consistently turning my husband down. He was understanding, but grasping the depths of my disinterest was challenging for him. It wasn’t merely a lack of mood; I actively didn’t want it. The very thought of sex could feel repulsive.
For some, physical touch is a love language, but I enjoy it up to a point—then I’m done. With three children, the constant touching can be overwhelming. Our youngest two are particularly affectionate, which I cherish until I just can’t take it anymore. In those early years, my limit was around 5:00 p.m.
Reconciling my lack of physical desire with my emotional connection to my husband was a real challenge. Our relationship was strong in other aspects; emotionally, I felt as connected to him as ever, but my body was simply not on board. Being touched at the end of the day made my skin crawl. I was just physically spent.
I was also utterly exhausted. By the time the kids were asleep, I was ready to unwind. For my husband, sex was a way to relax, but for me, it required energy. Despite how enjoyable it could be, the thought of putting effort into anything, even something pleasurable, felt impossible. Sleep sounded like a much better option.
But here’s the good news—it can and does improve. My youngest is now 6, and I’m happy to say that my desire has returned for a couple of years now. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel that spark again, but my doctor assured me that what I experienced was normal; the changes that come with a baby, breastfeeding hormones, and sleep deprivation can take a toll. I wondered at times if something was wrong, but it turns out I was completely normal!
Here are a few strategies that helped me navigate those years that might assist you in balancing your needs with your husband’s:
- Plan Ahead: Scheduling intimacy may sound unromantic, but it helped me mentally prepare. This approach prevented me from forgetting altogether, as the thought of sex wouldn’t cross my mind otherwise. My husband would sometimes mention that it had been a week since we were intimate, and I’d be shocked. Establishing a routine or aiming for a certain number of times per week kept our connection alive.
- Open Communication: My husband and I frequently discussed our needs and expectations. We found a middle ground, even if it didn’t always make us both happy. This was an area where compromise was essential during this challenging stage of life.
- Express Affection in Other Ways: I explained to my husband that my lack of desire had nothing to do with him, which was sometimes hard for him to internalize. So I made an effort to show my love through words, small acts of kindness, and as much non-sexual physical affection as I could manage.
- Sometimes Just Do It: Occasionally, I would engage in intimacy even when I didn’t feel like it. Sometimes the act itself awakened my desire. I tried to reserve outright rejections for moments when the thought of it was genuinely off-putting. If I was indifferent but not repulsed, I would give it a go for his sake, recognizing it was important to him.
- Remember, This Phase Will Pass: While I can’t predict when or if you’ll feel ready for intimacy again, I can attest that low libido is often just a phase of parenthood. Sex will not always feel like a chore, and you may find yourself initiating intimacy once more.
You are not alone. Many women experience a dip in sex drive after having children. Be patient with yourself; your desire will return, and when it does, it will be wonderful.
Warmly,
A Mom Who Finally Found Her Groove
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Summary
The article discusses the challenges many mothers face regarding a decreased sex drive after having children. It emphasizes the importance of communication, planning, and expressing love in different ways during this phase. The author reassures readers that this is a common experience and that their desire for intimacy will likely return in time.