We’ve recently stepped into the tween stage at home. Right now, my eldest daughter is out cycling with her friends while my son is busy at a birthday celebration. Meanwhile, my youngest is in the basement experimenting with his drone. It’s been hours since I’ve had an interruption, making parenting feel somewhat easier in certain respects, yet more challenging in others.
Every stage of motherhood brings its own set of surprises, but this new phase of tweens has presented me with an unexpected twist. While it’s a relief not to be needed constantly, I can’t shake the feeling of loneliness that comes with it. Once your kids reach a point where they can whip up a sandwich or head out the door by themselves, that is exactly what they do. Their independence flourishes, which is both beautiful and exactly how it should be.
Suddenly, the focus shifts from checking backpacks for forgotten snacks and missing permission slips to monitoring their cellphone history. It’s in moments like these that the cliché rings true: “The days are long, but the years are short.” You begin to feel something different, something that you anticipated would feel like freedom but instead feels like an emptiness. There’s a whole new aspect of parenting that isn’t discussed as openly as the early years or the sleepless nights.
So, how do we reconnect with ourselves as our children grow more independent? This isn’t advice that gets passed around casually like it does in the early stages of parenthood. Perhaps it’s because so few know how to navigate these transitional years.
As mothers, we get so accustomed to our nurturing roles that we often forget the other facets of our identities. Initially, when I first felt this emptiness, I considered having another child, thinking it might fill the void. However, I soon recognized that my desire stemmed from nostalgia for a time I had known for so long. “Filling a void” was not a valid reason to expand my family. There are other aspects of my identity I wish to explore, and that’s perfectly acceptable. Acknowledging that took me a while.
Here are some strategies that have helped me address the unexpected emptiness left by my kids’ growing independence:
Releasing the Guilt
When my children are off playing at friends’ houses or enjoying their time outdoors without me, I find joy in the quiet. Initially, I felt guilty for relishing those moments. After years of chaotic days, it’s almost counterintuitive to enjoy some peace. I often wondered if I should be doing something more productive instead of indulging in a show or a book. But as time went by, I learned to shed that guilt and embrace the stillness I had longed for.
Giving Myself Space
Last fall, I found myself lying in bed with my husband, expressing my struggles with this new parenting dynamic. Suddenly, my children seemed so grown up, grappling with friendships, and even discussing romantic interests. They no longer sought my company as frequently, which felt foreign to me. How could I guide them through these complex situations when I wasn’t always present? I realized I needed time to adapt, to make mistakes, and to embrace the learning curve that comes with this phase.
Nourishing My Spirit
It’s essential for women to nurture their souls. For some, this may mean taking time for oneself to reflect, read, or meditate. It might involve spending time with friends or taking one child out for a special outing. As our kids grow older, we gain the opportunity to sneak away without worrying about them getting into mischief. Initially, I found it strange to have this newfound freedom, but I gradually learned to appreciate it.
Exploring New Hobbies
I’m now engaging in activities I never had the courage to pursue in my younger years. After all, how can I teach my children the value of tackling challenges if I’m not willing to do the same? I’ve become one of those enthusiastic runners—something I always admired in others. While it was difficult and not always enjoyable at first, it brought me joy and has allowed my kids to witness my journey. It’s helped me fill that nostalgic void I sometimes feel when reminiscing about their younger days.
One day, my children will be fully independent. They won’t be dashing through the kitchen for snacks or needing help with homework. I will always be their mother and they will always be my priority, but as they continue to grow, a new space will open up in my heart—one that I will fill by cherishing both them and myself in new ways. It’s a transition, and that’s perfectly okay.
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In summary, as my children transition into their tween years, I’ve found that while I cherish their independence, it also opens up a void that I need to fill. By letting go of guilt, giving myself time, nurturing my spirit, and exploring new hobbies, I am learning to rediscover myself in this new phase of motherhood.