It’s time for a little heart-to-heart. I always thought we were a united front, a close-knit crew navigating this wild journey called parenthood together… but I’m starting to question that.
Now, let’s be real: I’m not the perfect parent. I often struggle to keep everything in order at home. But do you really have to share my not-so-great moments with the world? There are plenty of critics out there ready to judge me without you adding fuel to the fire. Can’t I catch a break from my own family? After all, I brought you into this world, pay the bills, and ensure you’re fed (most of the time). I thought you knew where your loyalties should lie. Yet, here you are, regularly calling me out for things that are largely blown out of proportion (most of the time).
For instance, if you get off the school bus and I’m not right there waiting, could you maybe walk toward our house where you’ll see me hustling to meet you instead of diving onto the neighbor’s lawn in a dramatic display of ‘abandonment’?
And please, let’s keep our discussions with friends about my parenting skills a bit more discreet. Do you have to mention that “Mommy forgot picture day” and sent you in a shirt that was less than stellar? Just to clarify, I didn’t forget. I simply refuse to shell out $50 for tiny photos of you in a T-shirt and unkempt hair when we just had an entire family photo shoot in the great outdoors. And I may have forgotten your allowance for the book fair, but that’s only because you wanted to spend it on a yearbook of Disney stars instead of something worthwhile like Louisa May Alcott’s classics.
By the way, thanks for that lovely Mother’s Day card filled out by your preschool teacher, claiming my favorite pastime is sleeping. Maybe you could also mention that I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in over seven years thanks to little humans like you, who crawl in with fake nightmares every chance they get. It would’ve been nice to note that I enjoy bike rides, baking cakes, and building puzzles together instead of just sleeping!
And let’s talk about those Happy Meal toys. I don’t think you realize that showcasing them actually reveals how often we hit the drive-thru. Let’s keep that on the down-low, shall we?
Also, when you had the art project about making drums from household items, suggesting we use “Mommy’s empty boxes of wine” was not the best idea. For one, Daddy enjoyed those too! Secondly, I was planning to use them for my own secret project—a fort exclusively for me, called “Mommy’s House of Zin.”
Oh, and let’s dial down the dramatics. Telling your teacher you can’t lift your arm because of the “terrible sunburn” from my sunscreen negligence is a bit much. Seriously, you were out for half an hour and your shoulders are only slightly pink! Feel free to report me to child services, but make sure to add that I was “trying to kill you” when I had to pull over and switch you with your brother to avoid a car-sick incident. Clearly, I’m a monster.
I’m not claiming to be a flawless parent. I mess up. I forget things. That Tooth Fairy who skipped out on your dollar? Yeah, that was my oversight. But here’s the thing: you’re healthy, alive, and mostly well-adjusted—that’s a victory in my book! So, if you feel the need to vent about my shortcomings, kindly jot them down in your journal for your future therapist instead of spilling them to the neighborhood.
And do make me a copy so I can read them to you in twenty years when your child tells Grandma that she had to buy ice cream from the cafeteria because you never provide enough lunch.
With all my love,
Mom
P.S. For more insightful tips and tricks, check out this post about home insemination kits and visit Household Tips for expert advice. If you’re pregnant or planning to be, this resource from March of Dimes is excellent.