There was a moment when I found myself urging my child to confront another kid. Yes, you read that right. You might expect me to start with a disclaimer about my parenting failures, but looking back, I see it as a pivotal teaching moment.
Let me elaborate. When my daughter began pre-K, I considered myself part of a new wave of enlightened parents. I frequently emphasized phrases like “express your feelings,” “use your words,” and “violence isn’t the answer.”
My daughter was a delightful, empathetic child. Her teachers often praised her vocabulary and kindness, and I swelled with pride. This was proof that my parenting approach was effective.
As time passed and she transitioned to a new school, I noticed changes. By the end of first grade, she returned home with her clothes dirtied and stretched out, evidence of rough play. Initially, I brushed it off, believing she was enjoying herself. But then, she began to come home withdrawn and moody. One day, I noticed a bruise forming on her cheek.
“What happened?” I asked, shocked to learn that her “friend” had been shoving and hitting her. The situation escalated when this child began to taunt her with food she was allergic to.
In that moment, my confidence as a parent shattered. How could she not tell me sooner? Where had all my lessons about using words and seeking help gone? My numerous calls to the school yielded no results—the boy faced no consequences, and I was assured that supervision would improve. Yet, the bullying continued, teaching him to be more covert in his actions.
That’s when I had an epiphany: not everyone would adhere to the rules we instilled. Often, people wouldn’t intervene, and my daughter understood this all too well. She remained silent, feeling powerless.
In our current era of helicopter parenting, we are led to believe we must shield our children from harsh realities. We teach them to avoid confrontation, yet we wouldn’t advise a girl to remain passive if someone violated her boundaries. I realized I had inadvertently shackled my daughter by discouraging her from defending herself when no one else would.
That evening, we talked extensively. While hitting is indeed wrong, there are times when self-defense becomes necessary. I assured her that I would support her if she needed to assert herself. I even mentioned Theodore Roosevelt’s quote: “Speak softly, and carry a big stick; you will go far.”
The next day, my daughter faced her bully. When he attempted to lift her again, she pushed him away. The boy, taken aback by her sudden assertiveness, finally heard her protest: “No, I don’t want this.” Remarkably, they became friends again, as he learned the lesson of empathy—understanding what it feels like to be hurt.
Some may argue that children can’t discern when to use force appropriately. This is precisely why we guide them. Mistakes are part of the learning process. Life is complex, often unfair, and moral dilemmas can be gray.
While we should always strive to use our words, it’s also essential to recognize the value of being prepared to defend ourselves when necessary.
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In summary, while it’s crucial to teach children about peaceful conflict resolution, we must also empower them to stand their ground when necessary. Balancing these lessons can foster resilience and understanding in an often unfair world.