When your phone buzzes at an odd hour, it’s best to resist the urge to check it—more often than not, it’s not good news.
“I really hate to do this via email, but I just can’t bring myself to call,” a fellow parent wrote to me and a few others. “My son came home upset about something that happened at school yesterday. I spoke with Mr. Johnson, and he witnessed the whole thing. I felt it was important to reach out.”
As I read her message, my heart sank. This was my chance to learn that my child was involved in hurtful behavior.
The mom described some troubling instances of bullying—name-calling, exclusion, and other mean antics. Though my child wasn’t the ringleader, she didn’t intervene, which felt just as bad.
“I know my son can be sensitive and sometimes challenging, but these kids will be in school together for years to come. I hope we can find a way to improve their relationship. I’ve encouraged him to apologize for his actions, and I want to ensure he follows through.”
I had to give this mom credit—she handled it with grace. No blame, no accusations. Just a focus on the facts, and I believe she genuinely wanted what was best for all involved.
That night, I tossed and turned. We often claim we want to know when our kids misbehave, yet the reality of it can be overwhelming. I found myself wishing I hadn’t seen that message.
In the following hours, I experienced the five stages of learning that my child had acted like a jerk. Here’s how it unfolded:
Denial
No way my sweet kid could do that! This parent must be mistaken. Perhaps she confused my child with another classmate who shares her name.
Anger
How could she do this? I can’t believe my kid is involved in picking on someone else. I brought her into this world, and I can certainly take her out!
Bargaining
Maybe there’s been a misunderstanding? Could the other child be lying? Or perhaps the teacher got it wrong?
Depression
Why did my child have to be the one to act out? Where did I go wrong? Maybe it’s all that video gaming!
Acceptance
Alright, what’s the plan for this kid? Time for some consequences and a little tough love.
The next morning, I broached the subject over breakfast. Before I could finish my thought, my daughter broke down in tears.
“Mom, I didn’t mean for it to escalate. It started as a joke, but then things spiraled out of control. I felt overwhelmed,” she explained.
While I remained skeptical, her story seemed to align with what the other mom had shared. Although relieved she hadn’t instigated the mean behavior, I was disheartened she hadn’t intervened.
“What’s our next step?” I asked.
“Mr. Johnson made us write apology letters for homework. Here’s mine,” she said, handing me a crumpled paper from her worn folder.
“Do you think that’s sufficient?” I probed.
“Not really. I told her I was sorry, but maybe I should do something nice for her too,” she replied, her gaze dropping.
“Great idea! What if we both did something nice, like treating her to a coffee with the money you earn from chores this weekend?” I mentally congratulated myself for this plan, knowing I’d get a tasty Mocha Frappuccino out of it.
“Alright, Mom. I understand, and I’m truly sorry,” she said, and I believed her. I felt a twinge of pride for her willingness to take responsibility.
We all claim we want to be informed about our children’s misdeeds, but it can be a tough pill to swallow when it happens. This incident was minor, but it’s a valuable lesson for when my child inevitably makes another mistake in the future. Perhaps next time I can navigate those stages a bit more swiftly.
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Summary
This article delves into the emotional journey of discovering that one’s child has exhibited unpleasant behavior towards peers. It outlines the five stages of dealing with this realization, from denial to acceptance, and highlights the importance of communication and accountability in parenting. It’s a reminder that while it’s tough to learn about our children’s missteps, these moments can serve as valuable teaching opportunities.