“Mothers,” J.D. Salinger famously said, “are all slightly insane.” It seems my own mother embodies this sentiment more than most.
From my observations, my friends with children can be categorized into two groups: those with mothers who are vibrant and supportive, and those like me, who navigate life with a mother who exists but is, in many ways, absent. My mother is physically present but emotionally and mentally detached, leaving me grappling with a form of loss that feels ambiguous and often overlooked. Unlike the traditional mourning rituals, there are no condolences or supportive gatherings for this kind of grief; after all, it’s not as if you can eulogize someone who’s still alive but disconnected.
My mother suffers from schizoaffective disorder, a condition that combines aspects of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. While I would never trivialize mental health issues or perpetuate stereotypes (I’ve inherited more than just her looks), the reality is that my mother refuses to seek help. The consequences of her untreated condition ripple through our lives, leaving emotional wreckage in its wake.
Growing up with a mother who is both emotionally unstable and a hoarder leaves lasting scars. As I embarked on motherhood myself, the implications of having a mentally ill parent became glaringly clear.
1. The Imposter Syndrome of Motherhood
Being a motherless mother leaves you feeling perpetually out of place. You’re the odd one, the child who never had the nurturing support during pivotal moments like pregnancy or childbirth. Listening to friends share joyful stories about their mothers’ involvement can be a painful reminder of your own absence. You find yourself on the sidelines, longing for a connection that was never there.
2. Lacking Maternal Skills
I may not live in chaos, but my domestic abilities are rudimentary at best. Growing up, I didn’t have anyone to teach me the basics of homemaking. My attempts at cooking and cleaning have often been met with gentle derision, and I constantly remind myself that I’m doing my best. However, I worry about passing on my struggles to my child.
3. No One to Turn To in Crisis
During tough times, like when my baby suffered from severe colic, I often felt utterly alone. With no mother to call for advice or comfort, I relied on my mother-in-law and sometimes sought help from online communities. When my child runs a high fever, I feel lost without the guidance of someone who has been there before.
4. Missing Out on Joyful Moments
Conversely, I also lack the opportunity to share joyous milestones with my mother. She wasn’t around to celebrate my child’s first steps or my wedding day. Her absence is a stark reminder that while she pursues her own chaotic desires, she has disregarded the moments that matter most.
5. Fears of Inheriting Mental Illness
Mental illness often has a genetic component, raising fears that my child could inherit similar issues. Each time I gaze into my child’s innocent eyes, I worry about the legacy I might be passing on. Was it selfish of me to bring a child into a world where such fears loom large?
6. The Anxiety of Repeating the Cycle
As a mother, I constantly fear becoming my own mother. The thought of my child resenting me for my shortcomings is a heavy burden. The guilt and logistical challenges of managing a mentally ill parent are overwhelming, and the idea of perpetuating that cycle is terrifying.
7. A Lack of Cherished Memories
My childhood was filled with chaos, making it difficult to recall the good times. Family traditions were non-existent, and I have no cherished recipes or heirlooms to pass down. Creating a nurturing environment for my child feels daunting when I have little to draw from.
8. Your Child’s Missing Grandmother
My child will never experience the unconditional love of a grandmother. While I had two amazing grandmothers who were full of life, my child faces a void where my mother should be. Explaining her absence is a challenge I’m still navigating, especially given the complexities of her mental health.
9. Learning to Question Yourself
Over time, I’ve learned to forgive my mother for what she couldn’t provide and, more importantly, to forgive myself for my own perceived deficits. Recognizing that I’m doing my best is a vital step toward self-acceptance and understanding that questioning my parenting skills is part of being a good mother.
10. Emerging as a Resilient Mother
Ultimately, you are not defined by your past. Your capacity for empathy and love, shaped by your experiences, equips you to be a remarkable mother. The strength you cultivate from your hardships will serve you well in your journey through motherhood. Embrace your resilience and thrive.
This article was originally published on April 28, 2016.
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In summary, the journey of being a motherless mother is filled with unique challenges and emotional complexities. While the absence of a supportive mother can lead to feelings of isolation and fear, it also cultivates resilience and strength. Embrace your journey, knowing that you have the power to redefine motherhood for yourself and your child.