Updated: Feb. 28, 2023
Originally Published: April 11, 2016
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve found myself grappling with resentment towards motherhood. Every time my little one asks for another glass of water, I feel my frustration bubble up. When my 3-year-old wants to engage in yet another round of superheroes, I slouch on the couch, stealing glances at my phone to escape the endless cycle. And when my older son trudges home from school in a sour mood, my patience evaporates, often leading to me snapping over trivial matters.
I’ve been pondering why I feel this way. Is it the lack of sunlight during this dreary winter? The specific stages my children are navigating? Or perhaps the sleepless nights caused by their coughs and colds? Yes, all of that likely plays a role.
However, I’ve come to realize that the primary reason for my overwhelming feelings is that my partner, Jason, has been working long hours, leaving me to handle parenting solo for extended stretches.
I recognize how fortunate I am to have a spouse who typically returns home at a reasonable hour. My mother was a single parent, and I vividly recall how utterly drained she was after a full day of work, only to come home and manage my sister and me. Thus, I don’t intend to equate my situation with that of single parents or those whose partners work late every night.
Regardless of our circumstances, parenting is not designed to be a solitary endeavor for days on end.
Jason is a teacher who rises at 5 a.m. to prepare for his students. This means I’m on my own from dawn until he returns. While my older son is in elementary school for a significant part of the day, my 3-year-old remains home with me. Overall, I find myself responsible for my children for anywhere from 10 to 14 hours daily, depending on Jason’s schedule.
That amounts to as much as 70 hours of childcare each week—15 meals (half of which are met with protests), five chaotic mornings, post-school tantrums, countless snacks, an overwhelming number of diaper changes, numerous messes to clean, and a sea of tears from both me and my kids.
Let me be clear: I adore my children. Choosing to stay home with them has been my decision, despite it being the most demanding job I’ve ever encountered. They are bright, engaging, and continuously teach me valuable lessons about love, acceptance, and compassion.
The monotony of daily life can sometimes be alleviated by spending time with friends, and I do manage a few hours here and there. However, our busy lives make it challenging to synchronize schedules. My mother helps out occasionally, but that primarily allows me to run errands. Affordable babysitters are hard to find in our area, and with only one income, outside childcare isn’t an option.
No matter how my days unfold, the burden of responsibility weighs heavily on me—the realization that my children’s happiness and well-being rest solely on my shoulders. By late afternoon, I’m utterly drained. On nights when Jason is late for the dinner and bedtime rush, I feel a wave of desperation wash over me, overshadowing the simple joys I should be experiencing with my children.
It doesn’t seem right that it has to be this way. I believe we’re meant to live in close-knit communities where childcare is a shared responsibility, with friends and family helping to lighten the load. Those who work outside the home should have the option to scale back their hours to engage more in daily parenting tasks.
For many, the prospect of working less is economically unfeasible—I know it is for my husband. However, in a nation that professes to uphold family values, there ought to be greater flexibility in work schedules and an emphasis on spending quality time with family. Additionally, there should be more accessible and high-quality childcare options available, as seen in many developed nations.
I can’t change the world alone (especially not with the limited time I have!), but I believe it’s essential to acknowledge the difficulties we face. It’s not solely our fault that raising families can be isolating—systemic issues contribute to the overwhelm so many of us experience. We all deserve more support, connection, and improved family lives.
As for me, I’ve decided it’s time to prioritize my well-being. If I don’t take care of myself, how can I effectively care for my kids? I will strive to reach out for friendship, camaraderie, and assistance more frequently. I’ll carve out moments for self-care—even if that means allowing my kids extra screen time so I can take a long shower. Most importantly, I’ll remind myself that I can only do my best within the reality of my life right now—and that this phase will eventually pass.
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Summary
Parenting can feel isolating and overwhelming, especially when one partner is working long hours. The weight of responsibility can lead to feelings of resentment and exhaustion. It’s crucial to acknowledge the importance of community support, flexible work schedules, and accessible childcare. Prioritizing self-care and seeking social connections can help alleviate some of the pressures of parenting.