Dear little embryos, the ones who didn’t find a home after our IVF transfer:
I often ponder why life unfolds the way it does. I can’t comprehend why you didn’t stay with me, despite my hopes and prayers. I don’t understand the reasons behind our IVF transfer’s failure, or why you didn’t develop into the beautiful children I envisioned. I ache knowing I will never hear your heartbeats, feel your little kicks, or experience the joy of nurturing life within me.
I struggle to understand why you weren’t destined to be my children. I’m left wondering why the siblings I already have will never know you, or why my parents won’t have the joy of calling you their grandchildren. I’m heartbroken that I will never utter the names I chose for you with such love.
The burden of infertility weighs heavily on my heart. I often question why I can’t just have a “normal” experience, or why my body seems to resist my deepest desires. The emptiness you left behind is profound—my womb, my heart, and the part of my soul that connected to you when the doctor placed you inside me. I wonder how long these voids will linger, or if they ever will truly heal.
While I may not have answers to many questions, there are some truths I hold dear:
For you—and for everything you brought into my life during our brief time together—I am deeply grateful.
You instilled in me a sense of purpose. You made me feel connected to something larger, beyond myself (and I’m not just referencing the bloating from hormones). You made me feel a responsibility to protect you. You transformed my body into a vessel of hope rather than a source of despair. Through you, I learned to appreciate the fragility of life.
I cherish the 11 days of “pregnancy” you gifted me. In that fleeting moment before the negative blood test, I experienced the joys of expecting a child. I made choices to nurture you, requesting decaf coffee and hard-boiled eggs at breakfast, and avoiding hot baths, even during cramps. I practiced prenatal yoga, mindful of my heart rate, savoring the paradox of feeling both ordinary and extraordinary.
I treasure the memories you created. Even amidst the emptiness now, I remember the fullness you brought into my life. I recall the love, optimism, and promises you filled me with. I felt the warmth of life growing within me, and I will always remember you.
So, even as we part ways and our paths diverge, I write this letter through tears of sorrow, yet my heart is filled with gratitude.
If you are considering your own journey toward parenthood, whether through IVF or other means, resources like this excellent guide on fertility insurance can provide valuable information. For those exploring self-insemination, you might find insights in this informative post about at-home insemination kits as well. And to reflect on the importance of joy in our journey, this article on laughter from an authority on the subject is worth a read.
In summary, while the journey of infertility is fraught with pain and uncertainty, it also brings moments of beauty and gratitude.