March 25, 2016
The moments that follow will each carry their own significance, their unique weight and intricacies, but nothing compares to the first time—an experience that is singular and never to be duplicated.
She will be so tiny, her chin trembling with an almost accusatory doubt the instant they place her warm form in your arms. “How can you be my mother? You seem unsure of what you’re doing.” And this will be true; you’ll have no idea what’s ahead.
Together, you’ll navigate this uncharted territory—this tiny being and you. As a mother, you’ll notice the delicate dimples where her knuckles should be, the soft rolls of baby fat around her neck, her mottled skin, and her bald head. Strangely, she will appear stunning yet painfully fragile.
The noise of the room will overwhelm her, and the stark brightness will feel foreign. She will long for the warmth of her old, snug haven, filled with shadows and safety. Her furry brow will furrow slowly. Her unseeing eyes will blink at the space between you, where you cradle her close to your heart, as if she’s glimpsed something fleeting, and then resigned herself to this new reality. “Well, I guess this is it. Let’s make the best of it.”
And then the cries will erupt.
You will join her in tears, and that will become your shared rhythm.
In just one day, you’ll take her home and embark on the journey of raising her, learning through your experiences and the wisdom you gather. She’ll know instinctively that you’re not infallible, yet she’ll look to you with determination.
She’ll achieve incredible feats while you find yourself fretting away the hours. You’ll cut off the crusts of her sandwiches, witness her milk teeth evolve into adult ones, and see someone named Ms. Williams teach her the art of cursive writing and the difference between left and right. She’ll save worms from sizzling on the sidewalk under the sun, adoring the things you can’t stand and rejecting what you love, driving each other to the brink—before she ever learns to drive.
You too will accomplish remarkable things. You will learn to live with less: less sleep, less care, and less time. You’ll give more. You’ll distinguish between “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” and “Mary Had a Little Lamb” on the recorder, though it might sting. You’ll hold back words you might usually say, striving for harmony. There is a unique strength found in the restraint of spoken thoughts. You’ll rush through exhausting days, eager for brighter times, only to find yourself holding your breath as you witness how swiftly she transitions from 5 to 10 and then from 10 to 15.
You will carve your own path in motherhood with this firstborn. The initial attempts may feel like the hardest, but they will be the most genuine, leaving a permanent imprint in your heart. You’ll find yourself nostalgic for the days when she knew nothing but you, and everything felt fresh and unfiltered.
It will be both beautiful and challenging, heart-wrenching and chaotic. You will sometimes despise the journey and other times adore it. You’ll stand by, observing her as she learns to find balance, feeling both invested and helpless. The pain of her growth will resonate deeper than she can fathom.
Do not reveal how deeply it affects you.
One day, you’ll count her fingers and toes, and the very next, you’ll find her gazing off into a distant haze, smiling. In that moment, you will realize she is counting down the days until her first solo adventure, the moment she leaves you behind. It will dawn on you that only a short time remains until she walks out the door for good, with her bedroom door left ajar. The days and years will slip by like delicate ribbons, leading to that final moment when she departs, never to return.
For the very first time.
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Summary:
The journey of motherhood begins with the irreplaceable experience of holding your first child. Every moment, from the initial uncertainty to the joy of watching her grow, is marked by a deep emotional connection. Amidst the challenges and triumphs, the bittersweet realization of her eventual independence looms, reminding you of the fleeting nature of time.