Let me kick things off with a confession: I have exceptionally large breasts. We’re talking about a size so big you’d be halfway through the alphabet before you hit my bra size. This “blessing” was handed to me by the Genetics Fairy at the tender age of 11, attracting unwanted attention from my peers and making handstands utterly impossible (seriously, my face!). Thus began my long, tumultuous relationship with my bust.
If you’re one of those A-cup friends chuckling, “I’d love some of that!” I urge you to recognize your Tiny Titty Privilege. The struggle is palpable for those of us who are well-endowed. Honestly, if there were a breast donation bus parked outside my local Walmart, I’d be first in line, happily trading my assets for free snacks and T-shirts.
But alas, that option doesn’t exist, and perhaps I’m a bit jaded about it. Ask me why. Seriously, go ahead and ask me.
My First Bra Experience
Let me take you back to the day I purchased my first real bra. While my friends were gleefully trying on cute A-cup bras at Victoria’s Secret, I was sulking through the adult section at Sears, waiting for my turn to be “measured” by an elderly lady in floral prints, who smelled faintly of baby powder.
When I finally entered the enormous dressing room, I was subjected to what felt like a TSA-level strip search. Grandma Baby Powder whipped out a measuring tape and instructed me to stand tall, spin around, arms extended. I felt like a prize watermelon at a county fair as she marveled at my impressive measurements.
“You must come from a line of big-breasted women,” she stated dryly, which only added to my embarrassment. After scribbling some numbers, she returned with the only two options available: a Pepto-bismol pink bra or a flesh-toned creation reminiscent of a post-operative sling.
“How can this be all you have?” I squeaked, hoping for some kind of miracle selection.
“You’re fortunate we even stock your size,” she replied. “We usually don’t carry such large cups.”
That moment hit me hard: my breasts were so enormous that even Sears had limitations. I glanced at those oversized boobie traps and felt tears welling up. My mom whispered to the sales clerk that we’d take both.
At the register, I was horrified to learn that those two unattractive bras cost as much as a small car. “They’ll be super comfy, sweetie,” my mom assured me. Spoiler: They weren’t. Unattractive, pricey, and uncomfortable.
The Ongoing Struggle
This is the reality for women with larger breasts, and two decades later, I can sadly report that nothing has changed. I’ve spent years wrestling with four hooks the size of head lice, enduring back pain, hideous designs, and even heartbreak when a seemingly perfect bra betrayed me with broken underwire (Et tu, Brute?).
How is it that we can send humans to the moon, develop life-saving vaccines, and manipulate molecules like expert chefs, yet we can’t create one comfortable, stylish, and affordable bra for well-endowed women? Seriously, can someone with resources please make this happen? How challenging can it be to design a supportive bra for breasts larger than Fuji apples? Given that the average breast size in the U.S. is a 34DD, this is a million-dollar idea waiting to happen.
A Call to Action
NASA? Bill Gates? Shark Tank? I’m reaching out on behalf of mortified 12-year-olds everywhere: please invent this magical unicorn of a bra. Just one decent over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder for women like me—those who dodge button-up shirts, layer two sports bras for a jog, and would never attempt a cartwheel for fear of being knocked out by their own bust.
Thousands of years ago, the Egyptians figured out how to lift and position massive stone blocks to create the pyramids. So, bra manufacturers of the world, there’s no excuse for your inability to comfortably lift five pounds of breast tissue from the shoulder. Let’s make affordable, tolerable bras for larger women a reality, and let’s not restrict ourselves to just two hideous colors.
Conclusion
In summary, the need for a comfortable, stylish, and reasonably priced bra for large-breasted women is glaringly evident. It’s time to innovate and create options that cater to this demographic, ensuring they don’t have to settle for unattractive and uncomfortable choices.