“Are you a stay-at-home mom?” my 11-year-old niece, Lily, asked me with genuine curiosity as we drove home from a delightful day at the mall. Caught off guard by her question, I replied, “Why does it matter? Yes, I am.”
“That must be nice,” she said, her tone revealing a wistful longing for that lifestyle. Seated beside me was her mother, my sister-in-law, Sarah, who had been driving us after our fun celebration in honor of my daughter’s birthday. The car was filled with the lively chatter of five energetic children in the back, and amidst our discussions about dinner and household chores, Lily’s question lingered uneasily in the air, reminiscent of the awkwardness that follows an ill-timed inquiry about a pregnancy.
Before I could respond to Lily’s dreamy view of stay-at-home motherhood, Sarah interjected, “Well, it’s not always easy.” I appreciated her recognition of the hard work that comes with my role over the past nine years, but deep down, I wanted to cradle Lily’s face in my hands and say, “Yes! It’s truly wonderful!” With two of my kids in full-time school and the youngest attending preschool twice a week, I now have a precious five hours of solitude each week. Sure, I might use that time for meal planning or laundry, but it’s time that’s all mine!
Beyond caring for my children, there are many perks to this life. I enjoy uninterrupted sleep, can take relaxing showers, practice my music, read, write, clean when necessary, sing in a band, visit the library, watch movies before school pick-up, and experiment with new dinner recipes—even if my kids refuse to eat them. It’s the adult life I always imagined for myself.
As I navigate through the challenges of sleepless nights, diaper changes, and toddler tantrums, I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, I hesitate to express my gratitude, fearing that Sarah might perceive me differently. She’s successfully balanced motherhood and a career, which I greatly admire. Yet the ongoing debate between stay-at-home moms and working moms weighs heavily on my mind. I cringe at the thought of the fierce arguments that have erupted online over whose parenting style is superior.
I explained to Lily that after finishing college, I aspired to become a parent first and then pursue a career once my children were older. Now that my youngest is nearing full-time kindergarten, I do have career aspirations, ones that have emerged from my experiences as a mother. If I hadn’t embraced motherhood first, I might not have discovered the professional path that truly resonates with me.
While chatting with Sarah on that car ride, it struck me how similar our journeys are. We are not in competition; rather, we are side by side, both striving to give our children the best experiences possible. We had the same goals that day: indulging our kids, enjoying the food court, riding the carousel, buckling them into their seats, driving home, tucking them in, and relishing some peaceful moments without them.
In recent years, I’ve stopped worrying about being right or wrong in the stay-at-home mom versus working mom debate. That day in the car, I learned a valuable lesson: we aren’t racing to prove who is the better parent. Instead, we are part of a vast carpool, each of us working towards the same destination, helping one another along the way and respecting the choices we make, even if they differ. If you want to take the kids on Tuesday and I’ll handle Thursday, count me in!
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In summary, motherhood is not a race but a shared journey. As parents, we support each other and embrace our individual paths, whether they lead us to stay-at-home life or a career outside the home.