I entered the world of motherhood feeling well-prepared. In my late twenties, I was married, educated, and had launched a consulting business that allowed me to work from home. My background included babysitting, camp counseling, lifeguarding, tutoring, teaching Sunday school, leading youth groups, and mentoring—over 1,000 children by age 22. My love for kids was a fundamental part of who I was, and I even had experience working with children with disabilities; my first job at 14 was as a camp counselor for kids with cerebral palsy.
However, all that preparation turned out to be inadequate. I found myself completely unready for the unique challenges my son presented. How could he be so different from the countless children I had previously worked with? Surely my experience must have provided some insights?
A Challenging Scenario
Consider this scenario: your 8-year-old son, diagnosed with ADHD and autism, has been doing relatively well lately but is being taken by a babysitter to an activity he doesn’t prefer. On the way, the sitter decides to buy a bottle of water. Suddenly, your child starts screaming, running around the store, and eludes both the sitter and store employees for ten minutes until one of them threatens to call the police.
When my son was a baby, my late mother advised me to stop reading parenting books, insisting that parenting was instinctual. Well, Mom, if you can send divine signals from above, please help me navigate these situations. Otherwise, let me introduce you to a new approach called “Not Very Intuitive Parenting.”
Not Very Intuitive Parenting (NVIP)
Not Very Intuitive Parenting (NVIP) requires you to throw out your preconceived notions about parenting and set aside your instincts. So, how did I handle the chaotic store incident? I first sent my son to his room for safety. Then, I consulted a child psychologist to establish an appropriate consequence. I even created a visual schedule of his activities on poster board. In between juggling a full-time job and medical appointments, I am also exploring social story software to assist him.
NVIP means I can’t rely on the “mom look” to communicate displeasure; my son doesn’t interpret negative facial expressions. Even if I’m steaming with anger, I must verbalize my feelings. While it’s generally understood that bribery is not an effective parenting strategy, incentivizing behaviors can be a legitimate intervention for us. Implementing applied behavior analysis means I track behaviors like following instructions and potty training. This approach works for us, but it is far from intuitive.
Understanding the Journey
When you see me employing Not Very Intuitive Parenting techniques, I often want to shout, “This isn’t what it looks like!” Yes, there’s a reason I’m comforting my child after what appears to be a “bratty tantrum,” or why I might say “one point” when he misbehaves. It may seem like an overreaction, but you don’t see the effort he puts in, and how this setback feels monumental to him.
Typically, my responses are guided by well-thought-out strategies developed with expert advice and extensive assessments. While it may not always appear reasonable to you, trust that I initially tried conventional methods and found them ineffective. My instincts have shifted significantly.
I don’t mean to suggest that maternal intuition has no value. I can gauge a fever with a kiss on the forehead and recognize when something is wrong. My protective instinct is undeniable, but it has evolved to accommodate the unique needs of my special needs child. I no longer have the fallback of “this is how my parents did it.” Instead, I’ve had to carve out my own path.
Building Advocacy and Community
My advocacy skills in medical and educational realms have strengthened me. I now trust my instincts, which have been reshaped by the insights of skilled professionals who have already made a difference in my son’s life. I also draw from online communities where parents share their experiences. My decision-making often relies on specialized knowledge rather than pure instinct, especially when I’m following best practices rather than falling into ineffective habits.
So if you find yourself feeling lost in the parenting journey of a child with special needs, know that you are not alone. Parenting isn’t as straightforward as riding a bike; it requires adaptation and learning to best support your child. And that unwavering love? That remains the most instinctive part of this journey.
Additional Resources
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Summary
Parenting a child with special needs often requires a departure from traditional instincts and methods. It involves adopting a new framework for understanding and responding to unique challenges, guided by professional advice and tailored strategies. While maternal intuition remains important, it must be adapted to meet the specific needs of special needs children. With love as the guiding force, parents can navigate this complex journey together.