The moment the ultrasound technician revealed that my firstborn would be a girl, I was overwhelmed—not with joy, but with panic. Perhaps it was the rush of hormones, or maybe the echoes of my college women’s studies courses flooded my mind. This milestone was supposed to be a celebration, yet I found myself grappling with thoughts of “misogyny,” “inequality,” and “the wage gap.”
Fast forward to today, and I’m the mother of three daughters. That initial fear hasn’t faded, despite my efforts to educate myself through countless articles on parenting girls. Over the years, I’ve compiled a mental checklist of things to avoid in raising my daughters—a list I’ve attempted to follow, though with mixed success. Perhaps you’ll fare better.
1. Maintain Your Career
For a decade, I dedicated myself to full-time caregiving. It was fulfilling, but I often worried that my daughters would see me as an inadequate role model. A study from Harvard indicated that daughters of working mothers earn 23% more than those of stay-at-home moms. This only intensified my fears. Now, I work from home while my kids are in school, but they still seem oblivious. My oldest recently remarked, “Isn’t Charlotte’s mom a stay-at-home mom like you?” I sighed and clarified, “Actually, I work now!” She blinked at me, confused.
2. Avoid Complimenting Her Looks
After reading an article by a renowned author, I stopped telling my daughters they were pretty. The link between such compliments and harmful societal pressures was too strong to ignore. I witnessed firsthand how the emphasis on beauty can lead to a slippery slope. Yet, is it wrong to acknowledge the innate beauty of a little girl? They often look like they’ve just stepped out of a painting, untouched by the flaws that come with adulthood.
3. Project Confidence
Dove’s “Legacy” ad reminded me that the way we speak about our bodies influences our daughters. I’ve altered my own self-talk, jokingly referring to my “Belt of Motherhood” when my daughter comments on my body. While I’m trying to instill body positivity, it’s also led to some white lies along the way.
4. Don’t Label Her as Bossy
Just as I began to accept my limitations in the workplace, I learned about the “Ban Bossy” campaign. Now, when my 5-year-old throws her spoon and demands I pick out the raisins, I refrain from labeling her as “bossy.” Instead, I opt for more direct language. Thanks, Sheryl Sandberg.
5. Show Your Humanity
My own mother placed great emphasis on appearances, often asking me about my looks after social gatherings. While she is loving, her views can overshadow the complexities of being human. It’s essential that our daughters see us as multi-faceted individuals—feminists and mothers, beautiful and flawed. It’s okay to share our struggles and let them know they aren’t alone in their feelings.
So, let’s ease up a bit, parents of daughters. Feel free to tell your girl she’s beautiful or to encourage her to take charge. It’s vital for her growth to know she can aspire to more than just being a boss. And when you need a moment of vulnerability, it’s perfectly human to express your own struggles, as she’s likely wrestling with body image thoughts too. Just steer clear of the Bratz aisle, for the sake of everyone involved.
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Summary
In navigating the intricacies of raising daughters, it’s crucial to balance empowerment with honesty. From maintaining a career to managing body image discussions, the aim is to provide a supportive environment that fosters growth and self-acceptance. Embrace your complexities and encourage your daughters to do the same.