The nursery is beautifully painted, the hospital bag is set, and you’ve registered for the BabyCenter newsletter. Ah, the BabyCenter newsletters! Those weekly tidbits of information for parents who are already overflowing with knowledge. But let’s be honest—who really needs guidance at this stage? Not the well-informed adults; it’s the little beings who just moments ago were unaware of how to breathe that could truly use some advice.
1 Week…
For now, your parents still possess a glimmer of energy, but that will soon transform into an expression of desperate fatigue when they’re alone, and a forced excitement when hosting visitors who will come to poke at your belly and compare your features to theirs.
Overheard: “Did you hear your mom say, ‘Oh my! She has my nose!’ Seriously? If she has your nose, brace yourself for a lifetime of passive-aggressive comments.” – Aunt Linda
1 Month…
Breathing is a strange new endeavor for you. Your head, which resembles a deflated balloon after being squeezed through your mother’s birth canal, is starting to look more normal. Enormous beings—ten times your size—will pick you up and rock you back and forth while singing ridiculous songs. Imagine this: The London Bridge is falling down, and rock-a-bye babies are plummeting from trees, cradles and all. Despite all this chaos, your parents seem baffled by your cries, even going so far as to label you “colicky.” Hang in there; it only gets wilder from here.
Overheard: “Why does she keep crying? I just don’t get it. Hand me that thermometer; let’s take her temperature.” – Dad
2 Months…
Relish these moments of lying on your back in the crib, indulging in a mobile binge-watch (you won’t believe how the season finale goes!), because soon your parents will start imposing something they call “Tummy Time.” Despite the cute name, it’s basically a dry version of waterboarding. You’ll flail around on a blanket while they stare at their phones. And if that’s not enough, they might start giving you gas drops, as if gas is the only thing that brings you joy these days.
Overheard: “Look! She smiled at me first! It’s because I put her socks on. Her feet are always so cold. We need to keep her warm.” – Grandma
6 Months…
Did you know that during peek-a-boo, when your dad’s hands obscure his face, he’s actually still there? It’s called “object permanence,” and you’ll soon test the permanence of objects by attempting to destroy anything within reach. Keep experimenting; that’s how science works, right? If you’re unsure what something is, just pop it in your mouth. Might be food! Your parents refer to that tasteless white mush as “cereal,” all while gobbling down Lucky Charms. So, that iPad? Could be a candy bar. You’ll never know until you try.
Overheard: “Yesterday she chewed on my phone, and today she bit the cat. Where does this oral fixation come from? Pass the chardonnay.” – Mom
1 Year…
Today marks a full orbit since you emerged from your mother’s body, which apparently calls for a celebration. A colorful, frosted cake will be placed before you, and everyone you know will sing and stare while it burns with little flames. After a moment of sheer terror, your parents will blow it out while everyone applauds. Did you make a wish? Let’s hope it wasn’t for something healthy, because next up is your first taste of that delightful substance called refined sugar. Expect laughter at your expense. For the rest of your days, you’ll be admonished to avoid it.
Overheard: “She has no idea what to do! Just shove it in her face! Haha! Look how much she loves it!” – Aunt Betty, cake in her mouth
2 Years…
The memories of the birthing process are beginning to fade. The initial terror of life is now just a blur, and you’ll soon recognize your status as the family’s main attraction. You are entitled to all the attention and all the things you desire. If you feel wronged, make your displeasure known! Throw yourself on the floor, thrash your limbs, and emit those baby sounds. It worked before, so why not now? Everything will revolve around you from here on out. Get used to it.
Overheard: “I get it! I feel the same way. I think it’s time for another!” – Mom
For more insights on home insemination, check out some resources from Kindbody and learn more about parenting at Intracervical Insemination. And if you’re considering DIY options, our guide on home insemination kits is a must-read!
In summary, parenting is a rollercoaster ride filled with unexpected challenges, laughs, and a fair share of cake. The journey begins with tiny humans who have no idea what’s in store, and yet, they manage to steal the show—and your heart—every single time.