By: Julia Harper
Date: Jan. 12, 2016
I vividly recall the moment my high school crush took my hand for the first time. We were seated in a movie theater, and every fiber of my being ignited with excitement. As we held hands, the warmth between our palms made my heart race, and I felt a delightful flutter in my stomach. At just 15 years old, this was my first experience with a boy, a moment etched in my memory forever.
Fast forward to my college years, where I found myself on a dance floor, feeling utterly lost and intoxicated by heartbreak. Amidst the chaos, a stranger’s hand grazed my lower back, and even in my dazed state, I knew that sensation would linger in my mind.
Then came that pivotal moment when I realized I was in love with a different young man. After sharing our dreams and fears, we sealed our bond with a kiss that felt like it launched me into another universe. That moment marked the beginning of our journey together.
Eventually, motherhood arrived—something I had yearned for my entire life. I felt a deep sense of gratitude to share this experience with the man who continuously gave me everything. The first skin-to-skin contact with my babies was intoxicating; every hug, every kiss felt overwhelmingly profound. Yet, as time passed, the meaning of “being touched” transformed entirely.
What once was a cherished connection gradually became a source of constant demand. With every touch, everyone seemed to want a piece of me, leaving me feeling stretched thin. After the exhausting journey of childbirth, the reconstruction of my body felt just as painful. Juggling nursing my baby while simultaneously trying to connect with my husband became overwhelming. It was clear—there simply wasn’t enough of me to go around.
As a mother, being “touched” now included late-night breastfeeding sessions, where exhaustion threatened to swallow me whole. Just when I thought I could rest, a baby would call for my attention, and I would once again be enveloped in physical and emotional connection.
Picture this: stumbling into the bathroom with a baby on my hip, one breast exposed while the other leaks milk, only to have my husband steal a playful grab as I break the news about my first postpartum period. The chaos was relentless.
Putting my toddler to bed meant enduring a grip around my hand, ensuring I wouldn’t sneak away. I would often find him crawling into our bed right after a rare moment of intimacy with my spouse, and I’d silently thank the universe for those fleeting five minutes alone.
In those moments, my body yearned for solitude, yet I cherished the lingering hugs and the bittersweet goodbyes. Each hand-holding as we walked to school tugged at my heart, reminding me of the inevitable separation we faced.
The look of fear in my child’s eyes when seeking reassurance was both heart-wrenching and empowering, as I offered words of strength while trying to maintain my composure. I found strength in sharing proud moments with my spouse, reflecting on how far we’ve come, often marveling, “Look what we’ve created.”
Navigating the tumultuous lows alongside joyous highs became a daily reality, leaving me in a whirlwind of emotions. Motherhood encapsulated everything I desired and everything I didn’t know I needed, overflowing with love and stimulation. It was overwhelming yet beautiful, a paradox of feelings.
In the end, I wouldn’t trade the moments of being touched for anything. They are fleeting, and in their absence, I find myself longing for them. The emotional imprint of motherhood will stay with me forever, for even when they let go, I will always hold on.
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Summary:
In “Embraced by Motherhood,” Julia Harper reflects on the transformative journey of motherhood, contrasting the initial exhilarating connections with the overwhelming demands of parenting. From the first touches of love to the chaotic yet profound experiences of raising children, she captures the complexities of emotional and physical intimacy that evolve throughout motherhood. The piece highlights the delicate balance between love and the exhaustion that comes from constant attention, ultimately celebrating the enduring nature of these cherished moments.