As divorce becomes increasingly common, it seems that those without firsthand experience often miss the unwritten guidelines of navigating life as a co-parent. Regularly, I encounter frustrating comments and suggestions from people who haven’t walked this path. While I wouldn’t wish the complexities of divorce on anyone, I do wish for a bit of understanding regarding the challenges faced by divorced parents. If I seem frustrated, it’s because I am—I’m simply tired of others complicating my already intricate parenting logistics. So, let’s get on the same page.
When I was married, spending every moment with my child felt natural. I didn’t mind arranging for a babysitter for girls’ nights or special events. But now that my parenting time is divided, unless it’s a significant occasion—like a wedding or a funeral—I prefer to cherish every moment I have with my child over leaving her with a sitter or family.
I often miss out on social gatherings, and I’m okay with that because I choose to prioritize time with my daughter. What I find unacceptable are the unsolicited comments from those who simply don’t understand. These remarks frequently come from people without kids who might one day experience this reality themselves or from those who do have children but are eager for a night out.
So, I’m here to offer some guidance. Consider this a modern-day etiquette guide, with a bit of an edge:
- Stop Suggesting I “Just Get a Babysitter”
Unless you’re hosting a wedding or facing a serious life event, please don’t ask me to sacrifice precious time with my child for a night out. Hiring a sitter is costly, and it means I’m giving up a limited opportunity to be with her. I understand you want to enjoy a girls’ night, but please have some empathy. - Don’t Expect Me to Swap Weekends with My Ex
Seriously? Asking me to rearrange my schedule, my child’s schedule, and my ex’s schedule is a tall order. Consider the impact of such requests before making them. - Please Don’t Say I’m Lucky to Have a Break
I do my best to maximize my time when my daughter isn’t with me. Yes, I enjoy my moments of self-care, like shopping without worrying about toy tantrums. However, this isn’t a luxury; it’s a reality I’m learning to navigate. - Don’t Be Upset If I Need to Cancel Plans
Life is unpredictable. We strive for consistency, but sometimes things happen that require adjustments. If I need to cancel, it’s not because I’m unreliable—it’s because I need to prioritize my role as a mother. - Avoid Suggesting My Partner Take Over Childcare Duties
My partner is amazing, and their relationship with my daughter is strong. However, he is her stepfather, not her biological father. It’s a delicate situation, and it’s not appropriate for you to suggest he take on parental responsibilities.
Navigating life as a divorced parent with shared custody is complicated, and unless you’re in the trenches, it’s understandable if you don’t fully grasp it. Thankfully, my close friends respect these boundaries and never violate these guidelines.
I want to clarify, I’m not hiding away every night binge-watching shows (though that does happen!). I enjoy outings with my partner and friends, but I ensure those occasions align with when my daughter is with her dad. I don’t expect my friends to revolve their lives around my schedule, but I do appreciate their consideration of my logistics when making plans.
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In summary, understand that a divorced parent would love to participate in social events, wear something other than yoga pants, and enjoy some carefree moments. However, the reality is that their child’s well-being comes first, and that will always take precedence.