I once bought my husband a gift for our 10th anniversary, a customary gesture that I hastily tossed at him. That was six years ago, and here we are, still married.
I genuinely believe in the possibility of divorce. In my experience, one person can only hold a marriage together for so long. Despite navigating through challenging years filled with stress, annoyance, and a myriad of other hurdles, I have been married to the same man for over 16 years.
Offering marital advice is a tricky endeavor. Every individual and couple faces unique circumstances that make it nearly impossible to address specific issues. Yet, there are a few universal truths I’ve learned along the way:
- At some point, your partner will likely make you feel deeply frustrated. It’s a raw, overwhelming disgust that, while hopefully infrequent, is an uncomfortable reality.
- The worries you harbor at the start of your relationship often linger, even as situations evolve. Early on, I was preoccupied with financial concerns due to our limited resources. Now that we’re financially stable, I still find myself stressing about whether our debit card will work.
- Change is inevitable. Life is designed to reshape us through experiences, hardships, and the people we meet.
- Your partner will undergo changes too.
- Even when you share experiences (which can feel a bit icky), you and your partner will evolve in different ways. Your individual backgrounds and perspectives will always color your perceptions.
So how have I managed to stay married?
First, my husband is genuinely a wonderful person. While he may not always be perfect, his character shines through most of the time. Our compatibility plays a significant role as well. We each possess unique strengths and personalities. I tend to have more energy and require a different sleep schedule, while he is methodical and diligent—qualities I grew to appreciate more over time.
Another key aspect of our relationship is his ability to manage his temper. This trait is crucial for a long-lasting marriage. We both strive to communicate carefully, avoiding words that can’t be taken back. Even in moments of anger, I’ve always been conscious of the potential long-term effects of my words, and I believe he shares this mindset.
There are times when I wish he would express more emotion or passion. His calm demeanor can be frustrating, but ultimately, it is a stabilizing force in our lives.
Recently, I wrote an article that involved interviews with several couples therapists. While I don’t consider my marriage to be perfect—there are aspects I wish were different—my conversations with these professionals made me realize that my marriage is, in fact, quite solid. They identified significant red flags, such as dismissive behaviors like rolling your eyes during conversations. I can’t imagine treating my husband that way, even on my worst days.
However, there was a particularly challenging year—a Very Bad Year (VBY). Our 10-year anniversary coincided with this difficult period. I often contemplated leaving; I even imagined what that would look like—the logistics of living arrangements and co-parenting.
During a family trip to Costa Rica, I found myself in the passenger seat, gazing out the window and repeating in my mind, “I want to leave.” I was vocal about my feelings, which made me a less-than-pleasant person to be around. Yet, here we are, still together.
The VBY stemmed from various factors, including my husband’s unfinished projects—a bathroom remodel and his pursuit of a master’s degree—that drove me to frustration. His lack of progress sent a clear message: “Elena, your opinions don’t matter.”
Then, I became pregnant. The constant nausea left me feeling trapped and unable to work, which compounded my distress. After the birth of our second child, I sank into a deep depression, despite seeking treatment. I have little recollection of that timeframe.
About 15 months into my struggle, my husband decided it was time for change. When I later asked him why, I remember the tenderness in his expression as he shared his realization: he didn’t want to lose me or endure a marriage that only survived out of obligation.
Of course, we’ve faced more rough patches since then. He still struggles with budgeting during grocery shopping, and our timelines rarely align. However, the key to enduring marriage lies in perseverance and finding the good amidst challenges. You chose this person for a reason, after all.
Should you stay together?
Honestly, I can’t say for sure. If both partners are willing to put in the effort, it’s worth holding on a bit longer. If that willingness evaporates, it might be time to consider an end. Either way, you want to ensure that you gave it everything before leaving it half-finished.
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In summary, while my marriage has faced significant challenges, the commitment to understanding and adapting to each other has kept us together. It’s a journey of growth, patience, and love, and I’m grateful for the choice to continue this path with my partner.