As a dedicated full-time working mom, my day begins at 8:30 a.m. and stretches until 5 p.m. I lead my team at the office and strive to balance my career with family life. After work, I pick my children up from after-school care, prepare dinner, engage in meaningful conversations, read bedtime stories, and ensure they feel cherished before tucking them in. Once the kids are asleep, I tackle laundry, writing, and other tasks during my precious “me time.” Weekends are filled with driving them to dance and swimming classes, ensuring they get to enjoy extracurricular activities that we can’t fit into our busy weekdays.
This is our routine, consistent week after week. It’s not necessarily more “difficult” or “overwhelming” than any other style of motherhood. I’ve experienced various roles—stay-at-home mom (SAHM), work-at-home mom (WAHM), and now, a working mom. Yet, since embracing this working mom identity, there’s one phrase that constantly irks me: “I don’t know how you do it!”
While I understand the sentiment behind this statement, I realize it carries underlying implications that subtly diminish the role of full-time working mothers. When someone says, “I don’t know how you do it,” they’re also suggesting:
‘It’s too much for one person.’
When did it become universally accepted that juggling work and family responsibilities is beyond a woman’s capability? Why have we decided that women—who excel at multitasking—can’t manage a career while nurturing their children?
‘I couldn’t handle it.’
Of course, you could! In fact, you likely already are. There’s no hidden superpower or advanced degree needed to navigate my life, just like yours. We both wake up and fill our days with a mix of tasks—some enjoyable, some necessary. The differences in our to-do lists don’t make either of our experiences less valid.
‘And what about the kids?’
During a recent parent-teacher conference, my daughter’s teacher praised her work ethic, noting how my daughter is often the last one at after-school care. This led to the familiar phrase: “I don’t know how you do it.” Given that my happy child was right there, excelling academically, what am I meant to respond? Yes, she has breakfast at school, and yes, she enjoys after-school care with friends. If she were home, she’d be doing similar activities.
Shouldn’t we encourage our children to understand that it’s perfectly acceptable to “have it all,” whatever that may mean for each individual? Do we really need to hint to a successful 6-year-old that her working parents are somehow failing her? Furthermore, should we suggest that the hard work of SAHMs is less valuable? If my daily challenges are akin to climbing Everest, what does that imply for mothers who choose to stay at home? Are their experiences any less demanding?
Telling a working mom, “I don’t know how you do it,” is akin to telling a SAHM, “I don’t know how you do so little.” Had someone said that to me during my time as a SAHM, I would have been just as offended. Each type of mother faces her own unique challenges. I find it absurd to think any one kind of motherhood is superior to another.
While it’s wonderful to express admiration for one another, it would be even better to do so in a way that uplifts, rather than diminishes.
In summary, the phrase “I don’t know how you do it” may seem innocuous, but it inadvertently conveys messages that can undermine the efforts of working mothers. All mothers, regardless of their choices, work hard and deserve recognition for their dedication.