Every night, as the hustle of daily distractions fades away, my partner and I are rediscovering the invaluable connection that comes from uninterrupted communication. We’ve established a straightforward rule for our relationship: no phones in the bedroom. Research supports the benefits of this practice, highlighting its positive impact on achieving deeper, more restorative REM sleep. Even without the studies, the reasons are clear: silencing notifications doesn’t eliminate the temptation of work emails or social media; phones can easily become a draining time sink, creating a physical presence but a mental disconnect between us.
This conversation arose during one of those essential heart-to-heart discussions that every committed couple should have from time to time. It felt as though we were back in our carefree twenties, flirty and devoid of major responsibilities. Blink, and we found ourselves navigating life with a mortgage, three children, and demanding jobs. Our light banter had devolved into logistical updates—Cub Scouts on Wednesday, dinner plans, school meetings. We were so focused on managing life’s chaos that we often collapsed into bed, each of us staring at our screens, mistaking digital interaction for genuine connection.
Reflecting on our early marriage, when our first child was an infant, we realized we didn’t crave the silence as much back then. Without smartphones, we didn’t have the option to seek distractions; instead, we leaned into each other for comfort. Now, it’s a struggle to prioritize our relationship over our devices. We scroll through screens in search of validation and connection, often forgetting that the warmth of real companionship is right next to us.
After discussing why we had strayed from our commitment to a phone-free bedroom, we acknowledged our excuses—what if there’s a work emergency? What if we need an alarm clock? What if we want to check the weather? Ultimately, we concluded that these reasons didn’t outweigh the importance of being present with one another. The insights from Sherry Turkle’s podcast, featuring her book Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in the Digital Age, resonated deeply. She emphasizes that even when phones are silenced, their mere presence can hinder meaningful engagement, suggesting that one is always ready to disengage for something “better.” We recognized that we needed to eliminate that temptation.
So, we made a pact. My phone now resides in the kitchen next to the fish tanks, while my partner’s is kept downstairs by the printer. Recently, we spent our first full night completely device-free. To our surprise, we didn’t miss anything critical. We lay together, my head resting on his chest while he watched a Mets game and I read a book. The experience was not only enjoyable, but I also felt considerably less anxious without the impulse to check my phone. How often do we find ourselves compulsively reaching for that device, stealing precious moments from our lives?
As we navigate this chapter in our lives, we realize how important these evening hours together are. Ten years ago, we were planning our wedding, and ten years from now, we’ll be preparing for our son’s graduation. In this current phase—this sacred middle—we must cherish our time together, embracing the spontaneity of our thoughts and feelings. It’s a reminder that the relationship we cultivate is a sanctuary, one in which we can truly be ourselves.
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In summary, creating a phone-free bedroom policy has helped us reconnect and prioritize our relationship amidst the chaos of daily life. This simple change has transformed our evenings, allowing us to engage more fully with each other and fostering an environment of intimacy and understanding.