“Keep bathroom discussions out of your relationship.” “Some things should remain private.” Those offering such advice likely don’t have children. It’s also probable that they think I should be ready for my husband, looking perfect, with everything in order, the moment he walks through the door. Yeah, right.
Before I had a dog and a baby, I can’t recall ever discussing bathroom habits with my husband. We’ve always been a bit immature and overly candid, so it’s possible we did, but I can’t remember any specific conversations. Now, it seems like we talk about bodily functions daily. If you’re wondering what I didn’t expect about parenthood, here it is: poop will dominate your life.
Here’s how:
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The Daily Update
When passing the child off to the other parent, the first question is always, “Did he poop?” Countless times, before I even get a kiss from my husband after work—sometimes even before a simple greeting—I find myself sharing our 13-month-old’s bowel movement status, detailing everything from consistency to color. It’s gross to admit, but every parent knows this is just part of life. -
Diaper Change Showdown
We’ve turned diaper changes into a competition. We’ve even wagered on who will handle the next dirty diaper. It doesn’t help that our son treats the changing table like a torture chamber, squirming and wailing throughout the process. You finish a diaper change feeling like a champion, yet utterly defeated. Bribing him with candy has become our go-to strategy. We may not be proud, but a parent’s gotta do what a parent’s gotta do. -
The Google Search
Yes, I’ve Googled baby poop. Many times. Sometimes it includes image searches. I did it once out of concern for my child’s health, and now I’m hopelessly addicted to checking what’s “normal.” I can’t be the only one doing this, right? I always have a health-related reason, of course. -
The Risks of Going Diaper-Free
Let me tell you, having a diaper-less child is risky business. During one diaper change, I handed my phone to my toddler for a distraction, only to look away and find him peeing while sitting cross-legged. Thankfully, my phone survived the ordeal. I’ve tried to convince myself it stayed clean, because sometimes ignorance is bliss. -
Diaper Limitations
You might think to check your child before picking them up, but you won’t truly learn this lesson until you find yourself washing poop off your shirt in a public bathroom. A curious child will ask what happened, and when you explain the “accident,” they’ll give you that “I can’t believe this” look. How did this happen to a seemingly put-together adult? Simple: I rushed to help my son, only to be surprised by the explosive result. -
No Privacy Anymore
Your bathroom is no longer your sanctuary. You’ll soon realize that sometimes a child will stare at you while you try to take care of business. Picture this: in the middle of Target, you’re holding your child while on the toilet, awkwardly trying to pull up your pants with one hand while managing the little one in the other. It’s a surreal experience, and your child’s expression might just say, “Mom, pull yourself together.” But let’s be honest, I’m far from composed. Despite how flawless my nails and hair may look, I’m perpetually on the brink of a mess.
People often say that parenthood changes you, referring to the profound love you feel and the selflessness that comes with it. But let’s be real: it also humbles you in ways you never imagined—often involving poop. For more insights on parenting and related topics, check out this post on home insemination kits and visit this resource for more information about pregnancy and home insemination. If you’re interested in unique finds, you can also explore Friday discoveries that might surprise you.
In summary, the journey of parenthood is filled with unexpected challenges, especially when it comes to bodily functions. Embracing the chaos and humor can help you navigate this wild ride.