Thank you for making me feel like a terrible mother.
It was 5 a.m., and after a long night of cradling my baby, I was exhausted. He wasn’t in distress; he had simply gotten accustomed to being held throughout the night during a previous teething episode and wanted to keep that going indefinitely. After weeks of feeling like I was trapped in an endless cycle of sleeplessness with only brief naps to break it up, I was at my breaking point. I needed some comfort, just once.
So, where did I turn in the stillness of the night? To my smartphone, of course—specifically, to my Facebook moms’ group, filled with women I don’t know personally but who are always ready to share advice during the late hours. Without this group, I wouldn’t have survived the exhausting days of newborn care, breastfeeding struggles, or toddler meltdowns. It’s reassuring to know that, no matter how tough things get, there are other mothers nearby facing similar challenges.
But every group has its share of negativity, especially in the online world.
After sending out a desperate plea at 5 a.m., detailing all the methods I had tried to help my baby sleep on his own (including letting him cry it out), I received several practical suggestions and many empathetic messages like, “I understand, this is tough, but you’ll get through it”—exactly what a weary mom on the brink of despair needs to hear. Each time my phone pinged with a notification, I eagerly opened it hoping for more helpful advice until I scrolled past this cold remark: “That poor baby, crying for an hour!”
Excuse me? Thanks for that. Just what I needed to hear—that I was somehow a bad mother for wanting some sleep, that my attempts to find a solution meant I was unworthy of motherhood.
What did you think I was doing, Unkind Mother? Did you picture me lounging in my living room, sipping a glass of wine while I listened to my child wail? Did you think I was ignoring it all, blissfully unaware of my baby’s cries? Maybe you imagined I left for coffee while my baby sobbed?
Here’s the reality: I was curled under the covers, staring at the harsh glow of the baby monitor, eyes red from sleeplessness, tears streaming down my face. I was heartbroken over letting my baby cry, feeling helpless because I had exhausted all other options and was too drained—mentally, physically, and emotionally—to do anything but wait for time to pass.
I reached out for help. You could have chosen to remain silent in your judgment, but instead, you decided to join the discussion just to shame me. Think about that for a moment. It’s truly disheartening.
As new mothers, we are constantly questioning whether we’re doing things right, debating with partners, and hearing from others who insist they would do things differently. Our lives become consumed with the fear of inadequacy, the worry of being “not good enough.” And instead of supporting fellow mothers through this relentless insecurity, you chose to intensify it? That’s just wrong.