As the fall television season rolled in, many of us felt the absence of the beloved show Family Ties. One particular scene from its final season has lingered with me: the haunting image of Tom and Lisa, played by two talented actors, sitting in their car outside their home, gesturing wildly in silence. It struck me as a stark representation of a challenge many couples face: where can partners argue safely?
Navigating disagreements with your spouse or partner—let’s be honest, a full-blown fight—while raising kids is no small feat. I’ve wrestled with this dilemma for over 15 years. Every couple needs an outlet to express frustration without instilling fear in their children or worrying about what the neighbors might think. While children should learn conflict resolution, the kind of arguments I’m talking about are the heavy ones, especially those concerning parenting.
Living in a spacious two-story house with hardwood floors means our voices carry. In our home, there’s no escape from sound, especially when my partner’s deep voice echoes even in hushed tones. Under the radar of our disputes, our children might overhear hurtful words or witness a coffee mug shattering on the counter. I’ll never forget the day my seven-year-old asked, “Are you and Daddy getting a divorce?” That moment left a lasting impression on both of us.
Our home is nestled in a neighborhood where houses are so close that I sometimes wonder if the neighbors are about to call Child Protective Services. Even planning for a babysitter to manage a disagreement can be a challenge. Arguments often arise unexpectedly, making it difficult to wait for a designated time to address them, which might be days away.
And if we do manage to set a “fighting date,” where should we go? It’s hardly appropriate to hash out grievances at a coffee shop, and I certainly don’t want to disturb a peaceful park outing. Friends have recounted evenings spent sobbing over dinner as they attempted to resolve significant issues, far from their children.
Having kids often discourages conflict, for better or worse. I was raised in an environment where emotions were hidden, while my partner came from a loud and expressive family. During arguments, when my partner would become frustrated and raise his voice, I would often retreat into silence to avoid scaring the kids. But what kind of example was I setting for our daughters regarding women expressing their opinions? Did I appear to be conceding? Although I wasn’t giving in, my silence led to other issues, leaving the kids unaware of this internal struggle.
As my daughters grew older, I came to realize that it was worth the risk to voice my opinions during disagreements instead of shutting down. I now strive to communicate with respect and expect the same in return. Thankfully, after two decades together, we’ve learned to navigate each other’s triggers and have fewer heated arguments. We aim to step back before things escalate and recognize each other’s moods—no more bombarding him with questions as soon as he walks through the door, and no discussing issues when I’m frantically cleaning for guests.
However, there are still moments when we can’t avoid a full-blown argument due to pent-up frustrations or legitimate grievances. The challenge remains: where can we address our feelings without our children overhearing?
Seeing Tom and Lisa in that car resonated with me. It was a brilliant depiction of a common issue that often goes unspoken. Even if my partner and I don’t physically retreat to our car to argue, we should consider more creative solutions for finding a “fighting space” as parents. For now, I can’t think of a better location than the tinted windows of our driveway—although, when I’m parked outside while waiting for my daughter, she’s remarked, “I can hear you on the phone even with the doors shut.” Maybe it’s time to borrow Tom and Lisa’s car for some privacy.
In conclusion, navigating arguments while parenting is a challenge many couples face. Finding a private and safe space to express disagreements is not only necessary for the health of the relationship but also crucial for the emotional well-being of the children involved. For more advice on navigating the complexities of parenthood, check out this insightful piece on couples’ fertility journeys.