My partner has been feeling under the weather for a few days now. Yesterday, he took a day off work and spent most of it curled up on the couch under a mountain of tissues. He looked pretty miserable, and to his credit, didn’t once complain about his condition, ask me to check his temperature, or speculate on whether he might have come down with something catastrophic. If you think this is our first experience with illness, think again.
I felt a surge of pride that he managed to avoid driving me crazy with his usual hypochondria. So why was there an annoying prickling irritation creeping up my spine, like an unrelenting itch?
It all began that morning when I was juggling breakfast for the kids, packing their lunches, washing the dishes that had accumulated overnight, and shouting “Why haven’t you brushed your teeth?!” for what felt like the hundredth time. As I rushed through my tasks, I couldn’t help but think of my partner snuggled upstairs, and I caught myself resentfully wondering, “Are you warm and cozy up there, dear?”
What was happening to me? Why was I feeling this way?
Later, when I returned from dropping my 9-year-old at school after a doctor’s appointment, I found my partner buried beneath blankets on the couch, his iPad illuminating his face. I thought, “Must be nice.” Really? Who thinks like that about someone who is sick?
As I sat at my computer working, my partner shuffled by the office several times, looking unkempt and fatigued, heading to the kitchen for more NyQuil or leftovers. Each time he passed, he’d give me that look—the one that screams for sympathy. But I couldn’t stir even a bit of compassion for him.
The feelings intensified after lunch as I folded laundry while he watched episode after episode of “River Monsters” and “Ancient Aliens.” They grew even stronger as I prepared dinner while assisting the kids with their homework, glancing at him sprawled out in the family room, snoring lightly.
In that moment, I wondered if he would take the day off when I fell ill next, so I could enjoy a day of recovery without interruptions. That’s when it hit me: my feelings stemmed from plain old jealousy. I was envious that he could take a sick day while I never seem to have that luxury. This resentment was so strong that it was clouding my normally affectionate thoughts toward him. Who’s really sick here?
Yet, is it unreasonable to feel this way? My partner might not deserve my animosity, but I still want to know: When do I get my own sick day? For five years, I’ve been a work-from-home mom, and my memories of being sick are indistinguishable from my memories of feeling well, except they come with extra tissues, fever, and a whisper instead of a voice. So, yes, I can’t help but feel a bit resentful.
Eventually, my partner made it to the dinner table, and by then, my mood had lifted. The kids had finished their homework, were eating well, and surprisingly, weren’t throwing food or yelling at each other. We took turns sharing riddles and silly jokes, laughing so hard that my 5-year-old nearly choked on her food.
Towards the end of the meal, my partner placed a hand on my shoulder and cleared his throat. “Kids, listen up. We need to help Mommy more. She does a lot for us—more than one person should have to do.”
I was so touched that I nearly forgot my annoyance.
Recently, my partner has casually asked if certain chores have been completed, and I can sense the skepticism in his raised eyebrows and the silence that follows my answer. After nearly 13 years of marriage, I sometimes feel like he doesn’t fully grasp what I do all day. But yesterday, while he was unwell, he finally saw it.
Now, whether his newfound understanding will translate into him taking a day off when I’m sick remains to be seen. But I’m calling it progress.
In fact, the next time I feel under the weather, I’m going to retreat under the covers with some NyQuil and a book, tossing my to-do list at him and croaking, “You’ll need to call in to work, honey!”
Then maybe, when he’s ill next, I’ll have a tiny bit of sympathy to spare.
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In summary, while it’s easy to feel resentment when our partners take sick days, it’s essential to recognize our own needs and perhaps work toward a more equitable understanding of household responsibilities.