As I sit at 30,000 feet, a wave of exhaustion washes over me. The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind, but if I’m honest, it’s been a challenging few years. With school functions, vendor interviews for weddings, tutoring sessions, therapy appointments, and swim practices filling my calendar, I’m feeling completely drained. That familiar sensation of being unable to take on one more task had been building slowly, and then life hit me with a reality check.
I sat in the doctor’s office, absorbing the news about the tumors in my mother’s lung. Discussing the details with my siblings afterward, I turned to research for comfort, thinking it would ease my worry. But then the tears came. I’m not typically one to cry; I’m more of a problem-solver, the one who tackles challenges head-on. I’ve been a “research mom” far longer than I have been a mom, diving deep into infertility treatments, adoption, speech therapy, and fundraising—nothing is off-limits when it comes to finding answers.
Just as I was gearing myself up for a fight against my mother’s illness, I found myself confronted with another set of doctors discussing our son’s diagnosis. “It’s autism,” they stated matter-of-factly. I resolved to learn everything I could to support him. My grand vision is that, ten years from now, he’ll be programming computers for NASA, and nobody will ever remember the diagnosis.
However, there’s a hitch: I’m utterly exhausted. The constant assessments, meetings, late-night research, and emotional discussions have taken their toll. I crave my mother’s comfort.
As I fly over Utah, it strikes me that at this moment, I need to nurture myself. Perhaps this geographical separation from my family is what I needed to focus inwardly. While it feels uncomfortable to prioritize my own needs, I finally find some peace as the plane gently rocks me to sleep. With no Internet and nothing to distract me, I allow myself to rest and embrace this rare moment of unplugging.
Upon waking near Dallas, my mind races with thoughts of my family. The kids are in school, and I realize I forgot to assist Nick with his family tree presentation. I can’t help but mentally note to reach out to my husband, David, about the final details.
It’s difficult to let go of even the smallest tasks as a parent. I’ve heard that our role is to make ourselves obsolete, yet I cling to my importance as a mother. The thought of being replaced by peers or future partners fills me with dread. I want to remain their mom forever. My preteen daughter’s recent rendition of “Halfway Gone” struck a chord; she’s growing up too fast. In six years, she’ll be off to college.
Even now, at 42, I feel the irreplaceable bond with my own mother. I vividly recall a time when my family caught H1N1, and I longed for her comfort. Even as an adult, I realize the need for my mom never truly fades.
Navigating this challenging chapter with my mother is daunting. I question how I could leave during such a critical time. Yet, deep down, I understand the necessity of recharging my spirit for what lies ahead.
As I reflect on my son’s diagnosis, I recognize that while a report may alter his path, it doesn’t define who he is. I still envision him as an astronaut or a tech innovator, and I refuse to let go of those dreams.
Life is full of unexpected twists, and we are constantly adapting our paths. Rarely does anyone look back and think, “This is exactly how I planned it.” Change is inevitable, and the energy required to pivot and create new dreams is immense. This time, I choose to embrace the changes ahead, allowing myself to rest.
For those on similar journeys, if you’re considering at-home insemination, check out this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination. You can also find more information on fertility help around Grimsby at TFP Nurture Fertility, who are authorities in this field. And if you’re interested in the process of self-insemination, you can explore our blog post on the benefits of using an at-home intracervical insemination syringe kit.
In summary, taking time to care for yourself is essential, especially when life demands so much from you. As we navigate our roles as mothers, it’s crucial to remember that self-nurturing is not just beneficial; it’s necessary.