As I prepare to head out of town for a four-day conference, I can’t help but feel a pang of longing for my girls and my husband. My youngest is currently in a clingy phase, and I remember vividly the last time I left for an early meeting while she was still asleep. The result? A one-hour tantrum that echoed through the house. My husband, who is used to sharing parenting duties with me, is bracing himself for the challenge of solo parenting for a few days. But I’m not worried about him.
I recall a significant moment from when our eldest was just an infant. My husband took her on a day trip to visit his parents. It was his first solo adventure as a dad. While I stayed behind—likely to manage a grad school deadline or catch up on sleep—he packed up a cooler and set off. His parents were thoroughly impressed when they saw him confidently caring for their granddaughter. My mother-in-law even called to commend me for allowing him this opportunity, asserting that I was helping him become a great father. I firmly disagreed, stating he was already a great father in his own right, not due to my influence.
This conversation has recurred over the years, particularly as I prepare for my current trip. Despite our household having a division of labor—like I handle cooking while he takes out the trash—our parenting responsibilities are as equal as we can manage. We consciously chose to embrace shared parenting after learning about its benefits. Yes, I carried the pregnancy and nursed our baby, but beyond that, we are in this together.
Yet, it seems that even after all these years, when my husband looks after the kids alone, someone inevitably asks if he’s “babysitting.” Similarly, when I’m out, I often hear others question whether he’s watching the kids. Thankfully, my closest friends understand better. I correct them, saying, “No, he’s parenting.”
While women may still take on more household and childcare responsibilities, fathers are certainly not inactive. When we diminish their involvement, labeling their time with the kids as “daddy day care,” we undermine their confidence as parents. My husband is an intelligent, capable father who engages with our children in a myriad of ways—he’s fun, sometimes strict, and teaches them life lessons. I, too, am not perfect; I share those same attributes.
Recently, I had several evening commitments that kept me out during bedtime. As I prepared to leave, my youngest asked if Daddy was going to “babysit” them. Horrified, I gathered both girls for a brief, important discussion. I explained, “A Mommy is a parent, and a Daddy is a parent. A babysitter is someone who cares for you when your parents can’t.” My older daughter chimed in, “But a babysitter could be a Mommy or Daddy too, right?” I confirmed that was true, but reiterated that parents are not babysitters.
I want my children to recognize that their parents are a team, that we trust one another, especially since they’ll encounter differing messages from others. When my husband is with the kids, I have complete faith in his abilities, just as he trusts me.
So, tomorrow morning, I’ll be catching a flight at 6 a.m. While I’ll miss them tremendously, I won’t fret about their time together. I’ll simply wish they were coming along.
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In summary, it’s essential to recognize that both mothers and fathers are equal partners in parenting, and the term “babysitter” should never apply to a parent caring for their own children.