It’s a Thursday morning, and I find myself parked just outside a local convenience store, the ATM no more than a few steps from my Jeep. The hour is that quiet space between the morning hustle and lunchtime chaos, so only a handful of customers are milling about—some filling their tanks, others dashing in for a quick caffeine fix or an energy drink.
As I sit in the driver’s seat, I’m faced with a dilemma: I can wake both of my children from their peaceful slumber in their car seats and bring them inside for a 10-second transaction, or I can leave them snoozing in the back, lock the doors, and use the remote starter to keep the air conditioning running while I make this quick withdrawal.
I’ve contemplated this scenario countless times. The ease of popping in for a moment while my kids sleep sounds appealing compared to the elaborate ritual of getting them in and out of the store. Yet, every time I’ve been on the brink of making that choice, fear holds me back. What if my older child wakes up and panics? What if the car overheats? What if a thief takes advantage of the situation and drives off with my precious cargo?
However, the primary reason I hesitate is the thought of a stranger witnessing my decision. What if they peer through the tinted windows and see my children inside? I envision a confrontation when I return, the stranger scolding me for endangering my kids or, worse, calling the authorities to report me for negligence.
In that moment, reflecting on these absurd possibilities, I recognize how much the fear of being judged as an inadequate mother by strangers influences my parenting choices. This leads me to ponder: What kind of parent would I be if no one were watching?
I can’t help but wonder. Would I be the parent who allows my older child to snack on a banana without weighing it at the grocery store? Would I skip the small talk with my uninterested infant, meant only to appease onlookers? Or could my infractions be more significant? Would I sip wine and nurse my suddenly hungry baby in a bustling restaurant? Would I choose formula for my firstborn instead of enduring months of exclusive pumping to avoid scrutiny? Honestly, I would answer yes to all of those questions, and if no one were looking, I wouldn’t feel guilty about it.
So, why do I let strangers influence my decisions as a mother? The answer is complex. It’s not just one easy explanation but a multitude of factors that make me cautious about trusting my instincts. We live in a time rife with judgment, where parents are scrutinized relentlessly, as if our every move is being evaluated. Someone is always ready to tell us we’ve made the wrong choice, that they would have done better (and yes, there always seems to be a “right” choice that I somehow miss).
Furthermore, a judgmental outsider only sees a fleeting moment of my parenting journey, not the full collection of loving experiences that define it. This is why I find myself glancing over my shoulder as I hand my phone to my son during a restaurant meltdown or allow him to munch on fast food at his father’s game—these are moments I never thought I’d embrace, and I fear the judgment that comes with them. While it’s irrational, the reality is that the fear of judgment weighs heavily on my choices as a mother.
As I rush into the gas station and punch the ATM buttons with urgency, I spend those two minutes not worrying about my children snugly locked in the air-conditioned car but about the person parked next to me who could catch a glimpse of my secret. If she weren’t there, I’d have no qualms about my decision. Yet, her presence makes the distance between us feel greater than it is. Time and again, I allow an unknowing stranger to influence my parenting decisions and instill doubt in my mind.
This raises a thought-provoking question: If a mother leaves her child in a secure car and no one is around to judge her, does she still question her choice?
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In summary, we often let the judgments of others dictate our parenting choices, leading us to question ourselves even when we know what feels right. The fear of being perceived as a bad parent can overshadow our instincts, making us second-guess decisions that, in reality, may be perfectly fine.