10 Ridiculous Discussions I’ve Had With My 5-Year-Old

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I typically thrive on engaging conversations. I enjoy connecting with others, sharing stories, and exchanging laughs. However, everything changed when I became a parent. The number of utterly perplexing and nonsensical discussions I’ve had with my oldest child—my younger one is still too little to join in—must now be in the hundreds. Here are 10 of the most ridiculous arguments I’ve had with my 5-year-old.

1. Is today really Sunday?

On Sundays, my son receives his allowance, which he divides between saving and spending. He’s on a mission to buy a $3 squishy pumpkin toy that wears a witch’s hat for some reason. (Honestly, I suspect the toy makers were having a laugh when they designed that one.) He frequently asks me what day it is, and while I usually have a handle on the days of the week, any day other than Sunday leads to him vehemently arguing that it is indeed Sunday. Sometimes, I even start second-guessing myself!

2. Is it morning yet?

I’ve found myself crouched over his bed in the wee hours, hissing, “It’s dark outside! Time to sleep!” while my determined little guy insists he can see “glimmers of light” and requests cereal.

3. Is his brother actually touching him?

My youngest is fast asleep in his car seat, drooling away. “No one is touching you!” I exclaim from the front seat for the umpteenth time.

4. Is wearing a shirt really necessary?

Despite the freezing 34-degree weather, my son is eager to dash outside in just his shorts. After saying “No” for the tenth time, I finally let him venture out half-naked to discover the chilling truth for himself.

5. How much toilet paper is enough?

I suggest a small handful, which he interprets as “the entire roll,” creating a lengthy streamer of paper instead of a practical wad.

6. What does “washing your hands” actually mean?

Does it involve a quick dip of the fingertips or a full-on water play session? These are the pressing issues we’re tackling, folks.

7. What’s his brother’s name?

To be fair, this debate started when my oldest was just 3, fresh from the hospital with our new baby. I shared the name we chose, but he adamantly insisted it was “Allie.” After a lengthy standoff, I pondered if the universe was nudging us toward that name change.

8. What constitutes “quiet time?”

Is it softly singing, jumping off furniture, or something in between? I never imagined I’d be debating the nuances of what “thump” means.

9. How urgent is “urgent”?

I’ve dashed off the highway at 60 mph, only to watch my son leisurely explore the restroom, fiddling with the hand dryer as I remind him of the supposed urgency.

10. What qualifies as a bite?

When I encouraged him to try a bite of casserole or broccoli, he would merely touch the food to his lips and claim he’d eaten. I found myself defining “bite” as if I were in a political debate with an overly stubborn opponent. Eventually, I just gave in and said, “Just wave the broccoli near your mouth—it’s good enough.”

Perhaps one day we’ll return to more rational conversations. However, friends with teenagers have warned me that I might just be trading these arguments for curfew disputes. I can already picture myself claiming that 4 a.m. is not a reasonable time to be out, while my child insists, “There are glimmers of light!” as he munches on a bowl of cereal.

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Summary: Parenting involves navigating through a series of absurd and often hilarious discussions with your young children, revealing their unique perspectives on everything from time to basic necessities. These conversations can be bewildering but are also a source of joy and laughter as you watch them grow.