As a Democrat, it’s no surprise that I identify as pro-choice, but what many might not realize is my strong personal stance against abortion. I’ve always believed that once a baby is conceived, that child is my responsibility, and I thought I would navigate any challenges that came my way. However, that perspective was dramatically challenged one fateful day.
During our 19-week anatomy ultrasound, the technician’s unusual silence raised my anxiety. I tried to brush it off as paranoia, but soon the reality set in. We saw our baby’s face and the heartbeat, and learned we were having a girl. The joy was palpable—until the doctor arrived with devastating news.
Our daughter, whom we named Lily Grace, had skeletal dysplasia. My husband, Jake, held my arm tightly, and we tried to absorb the gravity of the diagnosis. While Lily was perfect to us, her dwarfism also meant that her life expectancy was severely compromised. The doctor’s grim assessment revealed that even if I carried her to full term, she would likely suffocate shortly after birth due to her underdeveloped rib cage.
Faced with a heart-wrenching decision, we had two options: terminate the pregnancy now or carry Lily to term and endure the unimaginable pain of watching her suffer in her final moments. For us, there was no real choice. It was unbearable to think of putting her through such agony, and we decided to proceed with the termination.
No parent anticipates such a scenario. I found myself wishing for a healthy dwarf; how wonderful it would have been to welcome her into our family! But I had to prioritize her well-being over my desires, no matter how painful the choice would be for me.
The support we received from friends and family was overwhelming, and even some who identified as pro-life affirmed that we were making the right decision for Lily. However, societal views were less understanding. Insurance would only cover expenses if I carried her to term, forcing us to confront the prospect of incurring debt for a necessary procedure.
The two-day process was emotionally grueling. On the first day, I was a bundle of nerves. I struggled to find strength, and my heart broke when Jake softly told Lily, “Daddy loves you.” That moment was gut-wrenching and reminded me of the depth of our loss.
The medical team administered medication to ease my anxiety while preparing me for the procedure. They injected Lily to stop her heart, and I felt an overwhelming sense of finality wash over me.
After the procedure, I was left drained and sore, but the physical pain was overshadowed by an emotional void. As labor began the following morning, we rushed to the clinic early. Outside, protesters shouted at us, brandishing graphic images, but I felt an odd sense of detachment. I was not an uninformed girl making a reckless choice; I was a woman fully aware of the gravity of my decision.
Once inside, everything moved quickly. My water broke almost immediately, and the evacuation process commenced. Despite the intensity of the experience, I felt a strange sense of calm. Lily was gone, and her well-being was all that mattered.
In a blur, I held my baby for the first and last time. Though her face had been affected by the procedure, I cherished every moment, counting her tiny toes and whispering how loved she would always be.
The days that followed were surreal. I often caught myself speaking about her as though she were still with us, clinging to the hope that she would arrive as initially planned. Though I had held her, it was difficult to process that she was truly gone.
I refuse to refer to her as “the fetus” or describe the situation as merely “terminating a pregnancy.” Lily was my daughter, and I made a choice to spare her from suffering. This isn’t just a political issue; it’s a deeply personal experience that shaped my life. While I grapple with this loss daily, I find solace in knowing that she felt nothing but love and warmth during her brief existence.
For more on similar topics, check out our other blog post on at-home insemination kits here. For valuable family health resources, visit this site. Additionally, News Medical is an excellent resource for information on pregnancy and home insemination.