Do I look anxious in that photo? It’s hard to remember if I was truly in a state of panic or just under the influence of post-surgery medication—those painkillers certainly have a way of altering perception. What I do recall is that the hospital food tasted like a gourmet feast, a stark contrast to what I would soon find out was not quite as appetizing a few weeks later. Apparently, pain meds can have some unexpected side effects.
I was aware that I felt overwhelmed and a bit frightened. It seemed logical to feel fear when tasked with the care of two newborns. What if I made a mistake? What if I harmed them in some irreversible way? What if they turned out to be ardent fans of a team I loathed? The anxiety was palpable.
In hindsight, I should have recognized the signs earlier. Just days after delivering, I found myself yelling at a nurse, lashing out at family members, and experiencing panic attacks that only subsided when my physician held my hand while sitting on the floor of my hospital room. My father then took me for a calming walk to get coffee. I chalked it all up to hormones, convinced I’d feel better soon. How wrong I was.
While I feared falling into depression—a state I was familiar with—I was blindsided by the anxiety that ultimately stole my joy in motherhood. I was so fixated on surviving each day that I didn’t see the alarming signs right in front of me. I meticulously cleaned and assembled 20 bottles daily, believing that if they weren’t perfectly arranged, something terrible would occur. I stressed about running out of formula, convinced that if there were less than three unopened tubs in the cabinet, disaster would surely strike.
One day, I left the boys in the truck with my partner to quickly grab formula from the store. When I emerged and couldn’t see the truck, panic set in. Tears streamed down my face as I feared the worst—that my partner had taken the boys and left me behind. In reality, he had merely pulled the truck over to the side of the store to wait for me.
Leaving the house for a simple trip to Target required extensive planning. I wouldn’t venture out without at least ten diapers and four bottles, enough supplies for an eight-hour outing. I have no clue what I envisioned happening that would keep us at Target for so long, but the worry was all-consuming.
As my children grew, my anxieties morphed. I transitioned from fearing they would starve to worrying they were developmentally delayed due to my inadequate parenting. At a 15-month check-up, I panicked when I learned they weren’t talking or walking yet. When I discovered they qualified for our state’s early intervention program, I felt like a failure as a mother. I was intelligent and capable in many areas, yet I felt utterly lost when it came to my own kids.
It wasn’t until the boys were two years old that I finally recognized the disconnect between my reality and my perceptions. I spent two years paralyzed by fear and overwhelmed by any changes in routine or development.
If any of this resonates with you, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help. You are not alone in this. You haven’t failed. You’re not a bad mother. The complexities of body chemistry can be baffling, but there is support available. Research indicates that postpartum anxiety is more common than the often-discussed postpartum depression.
I have sought help and made significant progress in just a few months. The hardest step was admitting I needed assistance from my doctor. To my relief, he didn’t judge me or label me a bad mom. Instead, he understood my struggles and guided me through my treatment options.
You can overcome this. A simple trip to the mall doesn’t have to feel like an insurmountable challenge. A cough doesn’t signal impending doom for your child. A bump on the head is unlikely to be catastrophic.
Today, my children are flourishing—full of curiosity, humor, and intelligence. My worries about them becoming Dallas Cowboys fans persist, but I’ve learned to accept that I can’t control everything, and that’s perfectly alright.
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Summary
Postpartum anxiety can manifest in overwhelming fear and worry for new mothers. It’s crucial to recognize the signs and seek help rather than suffer in silence. Many mothers experience these feelings, and acknowledging the need for support is a brave first step toward recovery. With assistance, mothers can regain control and find joy in their parenting journey.