Family dinners can often feel like a disaster. This realization is disheartening, especially considering how many parenting articles highlight the myriad benefits of sharing a meal as a family—children acquire social skills, broaden their tastes, and practice good manners. We genuinely make an effort: I cook, set the table, and adhere to Ellyn Satter’s division of responsibility, which means I’ve stopped begging my kids to try a bite of this or that. So why do our dinners frequently resemble a circus? It seems straightforward: prepare a tasty meal, engage in conversation, and everyone should be satisfied. Yet, this rarely happens, leading me to question my approach until I encountered a woman at the park who offered a refreshing perspective.
At that time, I was a stay-at-home mom with a toddler and a baby, feeling overwhelmed by the demands of childcare, household chores, and meal preparation. I felt as if I was failing in every area, contemplating a return to work. While at the sandbox, I observed her skillfully managing her two young children—an 18-month-old daughter and a 5-month-old son. During our conversation, she revealed that she and her husband both worked until 5:30 each evening. Curious about how they handled dinner preparations, I asked how she managed to have a decent meal ready after arriving home at 6:15. As someone who is naturally slow at cooking (and just about everything else), I struggled to comprehend how to whip up a meal in such a short timeframe.
Family dinners, upon reflection, are quite intricate. They require numerous unpredictable elements to align: meal planning, grocery shopping, cleaning the kitchen from previous meals, and actual cooking. Then there’s the challenge of clearing the table of clutter and setting it up, often forgetting essentials like salt or salad dressing. To top it off, two kids—ages 5 and 2—must remain composed, avoiding tears and tantrums while resisting the urge to throw their food on the floor. They also need to refrain from requesting additional milk or ketchup multiple times during the meal. Meanwhile, we adults must genuinely engage in conversation, rather than being distracted by work or personal issues.
The complexity of family dinners is more than just logistical; it demands long-term planning, short-term focus, and a bit of luck with everyone’s mood. It requires endurance: once the meal is prepared, you need to serve it promptly before it cools down, avoiding the risk of scalding anyone. And then comes the lengthy clean-up process.
In essence, family dinner is no small feat. It’s akin to a high-stakes game of chess mixed with a choreographed dance routine and a gamble—all while home cooks often undervalue the intricacy involved in this everyday ritual. I frequently feel disheartened when things don’t go as planned, whether it’s the kids not enjoying the meal or one of us being in a less than cheerful mood.
However, the woman I encountered at the park, with her two little ones and full-time job, seemed remarkably calm about family dinners. When I inquired about her go-to meals, she casually listed seven quick options: frozen tacos from Trader Joe’s, pre-made crab cakes from the fish store, and simple packaged chicken salad. These were quick-cook or no-cook items, effortlessly assembled. Her husband handled the grocery shopping on Sundays, and their weeknight dinners largely followed this familiar routine, with the occasional takeout on weekends.
Her list radically differed from my own, which, though varied, required significantly more effort. Before having children, I genuinely enjoyed cooking—chopping vegetables while tuning into the news or caramelizing onions with a glass of wine in hand. I attempted to maintain this passion, dedicating an hour or two each night to creating a fresh, diverse menu. But the other mom confessed she used to do the same until baby number two arrived and she returned to work; something had to give.
Then, with an air of tranquility, she said, “This isn’t my time to cook. There will come a time for elaborate meals once they’re older and don’t need my attention every second. For now, it’s the same seven meals. No need to ponder over the menu or make special trips for ingredients. I just grab a crab cake or taco package, wash the kids up, and we’re eating within 15 minutes.”
This realization was enlightening—not just for the simplicity of her meal planning but for her lack of self-judgment. I had internalized the belief that “good parents cook from scratch,” leading to guilt whenever I felt frustrated about meal prep. Since our conversation, I’ve often recalled her words as I’ve thrown together a simple dinner of hard-boiled eggs and toast: “It’s not my time to cook.”
There have been times when cooking has been easier and will be again. However, at this moment, not every aspect of our meals needs to be perfect for family dinners to hold value. It’s about gathering around the table together, making a half-hearted attempt to teach our 5-year-old to use his napkin and encouraging our 2-year-old to sit still for just a moment. It’s our chance to enjoy each other’s company—even when one of us is crying. Ultimately, it’s our opportunity to do our best during this season of life. For now, it’s simply not our time to cook.
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Summary
Family dinners can be challenging and often chaotic, but they don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. A chance encounter with a fellow mom offered a refreshing perspective on meal preparation, emphasizing simplicity and understanding during the demanding years of parenting. It’s a reminder that family time can still be valuable, even when dinner isn’t gourmet.