When I tied the knot, we celebrated with a sword arch and my husband donned his immaculate dress uniform, looking absolutely stunning. We danced the night away, blissfully unaware of the challenges ahead.
In the early days, everything seemed glamorous, cloaked in a world of pristine uniforms, elegant gowns, and romantic gestures. I understood he would be deployed and anticipated the travel and fatigue. However, after seven years, my perspective has shifted. Here’s what I’ve come to realize.
- We’re Constantly at Our Breaking Point. A dear friend once told me, “We’re always at our limit.” Despite appearing composed during tough duty assignments (refer to point No. 7), we often feel overwhelmed. There are times we’re parenting solo, unable to connect with our spouses for weeks, leaving us to shoulder immense stress.
- Give Us Space. This isn’t meant to sound harsh. We genuinely enjoy lending a helping hand and being good friends. However, especially during deployments and challenging assignments, we can’t take on more than we’re already managing. It may look like we’re thriving (and sometimes we are—see No. 4), but often we’re barely hanging on. Don’t propose elaborate plans or trips that we know will add to our stress. If we can join in, we will let you know. It’s not personal.
- We Are Exhausted. The fatigue is real. We’re constantly up at odd hours, walking the dog, caring for the kids, changing diapers, washing dishes, taking out trash, and preparing meals. It’s draining. To all the single parents out there, you deserve a standing ovation!
- We Have Our Own Systems. To cope with the challenges mentioned in Nos. 1, 2, and 3, we establish routines. These systems are designed to maintain order and sanity, keeping our kids on track and helping us feel in control. Deviating from this routine can lead to chaos, and guess who’s left to clean up the mess? Right.
- We Face Our Kids’ Emotions. Just when everything seems stable, a child might suddenly remember their absent parent and break into tears. We try various methods to bridge the gap, like countdown necklaces or special treats, but these often serve as painful reminders of the void.
- Friendship is Essential. We crave genuine connections, not just casual greetings. We need friends who will look us in the eye and genuinely ask how we are doing. Acknowledging the challenges we face can provide immense relief. Yes, we chose this life, but that doesn’t negate its difficulties.
- Our Spouses Miss Important Moments. Even when they are technically “home,” it often means they are still away on business or working long hours. This means we’re the ones attending school events, sports games, and putting kids to bed. Just because they aren’t deployed doesn’t imply they are available.
- The Military’s Influence is Significant. While we have some control over where we live, it’s not as much as you might think. We relocate every few years and don’t always get our preferences. Our family plans, vacations, and even weddings often hinge on unpredictable military schedules, resulting in last-minute cancellations or changes.
- Our Marriages Face Challenges. The distance, stress, and missed opportunities can strain relationships. A coworker once cautioned me about the potential pitfalls of military life. Although we make time for special moments like balls and homecomings, they don’t reflect the reality of daily life.
- It’s Harder Than We Anticipated, But We Wouldn’t Change It. There are extraordinary experiences in this life, like watching a ship return from deployment or witnessing a change of command ceremony. These moments are unforgettable. Our kids are strong, adaptable, and compassionate, embodying the values we hold dear.
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Summary
Being a military spouse comes with unique challenges that often go unnoticed. From constant fatigue and emotional strain to the necessity of a structured routine, the life of a military wife is complex. While the sacrifices are significant, the rewards—such as strong children and unforgettable experiences—make it a life many wouldn’t trade for anything.