I used to believe that parenthood would seamlessly blend into my life. I envisioned continuing my full-time career, enjoying nights out with friends, and effortlessly finding childcare whenever needed. In my mind, if my children fell ill, their grandparents would swoop in to assist. My husband and I would afford annual family vacations, alongside an adults-only getaway each year. I imagined strutting into the office in my heels, looking polished with makeup, and managing my schedule with ease. Weekends would be my sanctuary for catching up on rest, and my children would always be dressed adorably, never exposed to shows like Dora. If I had a daughter, her hair would always be perfectly styled, and I would indulge my kids with nightly bubble baths and cozy snuggles.
However, my expectations have drastically shifted since welcoming two little ones who fill a void in my heart I never knew existed. I adore them wholeheartedly, yet I often feel lost in this new reality.
I made the decision to become a stay-at-home mom when my daughter was just nine months old. We had recently relocated to a new state, where we had no family support or friends nearby. Faced with uncertainty about finding a job I loved as much as my previous one, staying home felt like the safest option. After all, I could always return to work later, right?
Now, my days consist of pouring sippy cups, wiping noses, and breaking up sibling squabbles. When my kids get sick, I often feel just as unwell, and not just with a sniffle. Picture me, on the bathroom floor, nauseous and overwhelmed, while my husband is off on a business trip. Fast forward five and a half years, and my husband and I still haven’t enjoyed our long-awaited adults-only vacation. We’ve only managed one family vacation because, let’s face it, traveling isn’t cheap. (On a brighter note, we just had our first kid-free getaway last weekend, and it was nothing short of amazing!)
Finding a babysitter is also a costly affair. Instead of romantic dates, I funnel my childcare budget into overdue doctor appointments that seem to be scheduled three months in advance. And let’s talk about clothing—my once-beloved heels have been retired; my closet is now overrun by yoga pants and T-shirts, which are affordable and easy to care for. As for makeup? That’s a distant memory.
The reality is, I often feel out of my depth. Each day feels like a struggle to keep afloat in a life I never envisioned. I grapple with questions: Wasn’t I supposed to be at work? Where did these stretch marks come from? Can I call Grandma for help while ensuring Jack doesn’t miss his swimming lesson? My love for my children is immeasurable, but this experience has been nothing like I expected.
I find myself envious of the moms who seem to navigate motherhood with ease. Many nights, I lie awake, weighed down by guilt over countless things: Too much screen time, a lack of outdoor adventures, unkempt hair, missed vitamins, and moments when I’ve asked my son to “wait just a minute” only to forget him in the chaos of the day. Here I am, penning this blog while one child naps and the other is coaxed into a lie-down—guilt creeping in once again.
I can’t shake the feeling that my kids deserve so much more. Perhaps it’s due to the stark contrast between their upbringing and mine. My grandparents lived right next door, and I could easily bike to visit the other set. If I ever wanted ice cream, I could simply stroll over to Grandma’s house. My children, however, have grandparents who are miles away. If only we had family nearby, I might feel more assured, more energized, and more willing to go out.
Despite these challenges, I cherish my moments with my kids. As my oldest heads off to kindergarten, I’m grateful for the time spent together. Still, I miss the adult interactions and responsibilities that came with work. Why isn’t raising future citizens enough for me? I know—it’s because I secretly dread arts and crafts and the unpleasant scents that come with diaper changes. Nothing quite prepares you for these realities.
Motherhood can be overwhelming, especially when you expect it to fit seamlessly into your pre-existing life. To the pregnant moms reading this, lounging in your office while browsing blogs? Let go of those expectations. Life with kids can be chaotic, and I’m not just referring to the mess. They will turn your world upside down, revealing a depth of love you never anticipated. Embrace your ability to navigate this journey, but don’t be afraid to acknowledge the adjustments you must make.
In a social media world that often glorifies perfect parenting, it’s essential to share our struggles as well. I may never fully find my footing in motherhood, as my children grow and new challenges arise. Just when I think I have it all figured out, life changes again. Surely, I can’t be the only one feeling this way, can I?
Today, I’ll celebrate the fact that, while I may feel like a failure, I’m likely doing better than I think.
So, if you too feel like you’re stumbling through motherhood, welcome to the club. If guilt visits you nightly, know you are not alone. And if you’ve been stuck at home for days, unable to gather the confidence to brave the outside world, that’s perfectly fine. Your kids will love you unconditionally, regardless of the chaos.
Becoming a mother means letting go of parts of yourself. Yet, as I’m discovering, perhaps those pieces were meant to be released in the first place. Who knew yoga pants could be such a comfort?
In summary, my kids adore Dora, and I’m just a hot mess trying my best without feeling guilty about it. That’s the reality of motherhood, my friends.
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