Updated: July 29, 2016
Originally Published: October 2, 2015
In my neighborhood, there’s an unusual man who often catches my attention. While he appears tidy and friendly, and engages with those passing by, I can’t shake a sense of wariness about him. He frequently comments on my 5-year-old son’s Batman shirt, which he seems to wear every day. Recently, he knelt down to my son and, with an intense expression, asked, “You’re a big help to your mom, aren’t you? Aren’t you? Look me in the eye.”
My son, feeling the pressure of the moment, avoided eye contact, focusing instead on the ground. “Look me in the eye,” the man repeated. At that point, I kindly interjected, “He doesn’t need to look you in the eye.” The man seemed taken aback, but he eventually stepped back and acknowledged my son as a big help to his mom.
While this man might view his actions as a lesson in respect, I perceive it as an unnecessary exertion of authority over my child. When raising kids, the pervasive influence of gender norms becomes evident, stripping away the absurdity of traditional roles. For instance, I once observed a mother reprimanding her daughter numerous times at a playground for revealing her frilly underwear, despite being the one who dressed her in it.
The conditioning that boys experience is often more subtle, primarily because society tends to normalize typical boy behavior while labeling girl behavior as “feminine.” Nevertheless, we do indeed socialize boys to conform to our ideals of masculinity. Like many parents, I worry my son lacks assertiveness, echoing the concerns of friends who wish their sons would learn to “advocate” for themselves. This anxiety over boys being overshadowed is not something I often see addressed in discussions about girls.
Certainly, both boys and girls should learn to assert themselves; however, girls often receive better socialization in forming connections and nurturing friendships. An article in Pacific Standard highlights that men are often the loneliest demographic, primarily due to a lack of social skills that women develop for maintaining relationships.
I ponder whether our societal pressure on boys to be resilient, to suppress their emotions, and to “stand up for themselves” might hinder their ability to foster healthy relationships. My neighbor’s insistence on my son’s deference led me to consider whether we are teaching boys more about hierarchy and dominance than about empathy and support.
Girls, on the other hand, receive a strong message to prioritize others’ needs, to smooth over conflicts, and to maintain harmony. While it’s crucial for girls to also recognize their own needs and stand up for themselves, boys must be encouraged to appreciate different perspectives, to show compassion, and to choose harmony over conflict.
I hope my son learns to be inclusive at school, reaching out to quieter classmates or those who may feel lost in a large kindergarten setting. Playing side by side without the need for direct eye contact can foster connections that are more meaningful.
This article was originally published on October 2, 2015.
For more insightful discussions on parenting and home insemination, check out this post on the artificial insemination kit. Additionally, for those navigating pregnancy and its challenges, this resource offers important information on complications and warning signs. For further reading on pregnancy and home insemination, visit this excellent resource.
In summary, our societal expectations around masculinity often prioritize dominance and toughness in boys while neglecting the importance of empathy and social connection. It’s vital for boys to learn the value of understanding others and nurturing relationships, just as girls must learn to advocate for themselves.