Dear Twentysomething Yogi,
As I settled onto my mat, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation with a friend, where you expressed a yearning to relive the ’90s. Then came the moment when I saw you capturing that perfect #blessed selfie of your perfectly pedicured toes alongside your SmartWater, and I couldn’t help but wonder if the ’90s would truly be your vibe.
Let’s be clear: if you were really living in the ’90s, that chic studio wouldn’t even exist. You’d be stuck in a musty gym with mirrored walls, eagerly waiting for step aerobics while some guy in weightlifting shorts tried to chat you up. You’d probably loathe it, but back then, that kind of attention was seen as flirtation. So you’d grit your teeth and count down the moments until the class finally began.
But here’s the kicker: Tinder? Not a thing in the ’90s. Meeting someone meant awkwardly conversing with strangers, and if you got a phone number scrawled on a napkin at the end of the night, that was your version of a right swipe. More often than not, it didn’t happen. The ’90s could be surprisingly lonely.
Social media? Forget it. Back then, hashtags were something you’d associate with a different kind of nightlife. Your vacation photos were tucked away in albums, dinner memories stayed in the kitchen, and random thoughts were scribbled in journals. If you made plans, you stuck to them; cell phones were a luxury, and canceling plans was nearly impossible.
We relied on landlines and phone books, wrote letters that traveled through the mail, and when we finally scored email addresses, we felt like we’d discovered magic—even if they were limited to 300 characters. Dial-up internet was a dial-up nightmare, monopolizing the phone line, ensuring that if you were waiting for that gym guy to call, you were out of luck. As you kids say, the struggle was real.
Now, let’s talk about the fashion. It’s a common misconception that everyone looked like Rachel from Friends. That iconic haircut? It looked fabulous in the salon but turned into a Carol Brady nightmare by the time you got home. And don’t forget the mullets—those were everywhere. Your boss had one. Your boyfriend had one. Even Princess Diana sported a version!
I’ll give you this: you missed out on some fantastic music. But for every great artist, there was a not-so-great counterpart. For every Radiohead, there was a Right Said Fred. No amount of Lauryn Hill could erase the memory of the Macarena sweeping the nation.
Your generation might see ’90s fashion as a collection of Aztec print fanny packs—and they’re not entirely wrong. But would you dare wear one with high-waisted Girbaud jeans and white sneakers? Oh, and don’t forget the scent of CK One mixed with secondhand smoke—back then, people smoked everywhere, including restaurants. Can you imagine?
While the ’90s lacked Kim Kardashian, it had Robert Kardashian, which feels like a trade-off no one wanted. We were too invested in O.J. Simpson, dedicating months of daytime TV to the trial. And who could forget the drama of a certain blue dress or the fear of Y2K?
All this said, your nostalgia is understandable. The ’90s did have its charm, but it wasn’t the endless festival that Urban Outfitters would have you believe. So enjoy your selfies and SmartWater in your own time. One day, you’ll look back on your generation and realize just how #blessed you truly are.
But until then? Maybe give my generation a break.
Namaste,
The Eavesdropping Middle-Aged Yogi