“Look at that! It’s Uncle Marcus!”
At first, I was baffled by how my brother, who lives hundreds of miles away, had seemingly appeared in our living room, until I realized my 2-year-old son was actually pointing at a basketball game on the screen. The player? NBA superstar LeBron James. While my brother stands at a modest 5-foot-8, there’s no mistaking him for an athlete.
On another occasion, my son identified him with Russell Wilson, the quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks. A few weeks later, Uncle Marcus morphed into some random college player from one of those lesser-known NCAA tournament teams that often get knocked out in the first round. (Let’s just say I watch a lot of sports!)
Though I knew my brother had little in common with these athletes, it was clear that my son was beginning to notice skin color. Uncle Marcus, who is “brown” like the African-American players on TV, became a reference point for him. While I found the comparisons amusing, I also felt a twinge of fear.
It wasn’t the idea of discussing race that troubled me. As a black mother, I know these conversations are unavoidable, especially since black parents often have to broach these topics earlier than others out of necessity. I understood that recognizing differences in skin color is a normal developmental stage; children can start to identify these distinctions as early as 2 or 3 years old.
However, I was uncertain how to navigate this with a mixed-race child who might not fully see himself as either black or white, and who might not yet grasp the concept of being “both.”
Initially, I questioned whether I should have exposed him to more people of color. We live next to a South Asian family, and his daycare had a diverse mix of children, yet most of the adults in his life were white. Though my family, all African-American, made an effort to be involved, Uncle Marcus was the only young black male he interacted with regularly. I worried he might develop stereotypes if, apart from his uncle, he only saw young black men on TV playing sports.
My son viewed these athletes as distinct from himself, even though he is the child of a brown-skinned mother. In my mind, he should relate more to kids with brown skin rather than to those with “peach” or “white” skin. I remember questioning why people had white skin when I was around 5 or 6, surrounded by brown-skinned friends. But B’s experience was different—his understanding of identity was evolving.
One day, I asked him, “So what color are you?”
He confidently replied, “I’m white, like Daddy.”
“You’re actually both brown and white,” I corrected. “You’re part like Mommy and part like Daddy.”
To be honest, he struggled to distinguish between white people too. On TV, “Daddy” ranged from singer John Legend to various politicians debating health care. While he noticed skin color, he also identified age and body types. He could associate specific white men with Dad and black women with Mom, which made me feel relieved he was recognizing more than just skin tone.
As I paid closer attention, I found comfort. Yes, my son observed color differences, but he hadn’t internalized societal messages that place a higher value on one skin tone over another. He appreciated his friends with brown skin and those from “China,” never expressing that their skin or features were anything but normal.
Perhaps our family’s efforts to engage in cultural events, promote diversity at daycare, and choose books and shows that represent the rich tapestry of America were paying off. He sees it as completely normal for kids to come from families of varying colors and for friendships to span racial and ethnic boundaries. He could have both “brown” and “peach” families and feel comfortable with them all.
I’m not so naive as to assume this level of racial harmony will last into the future. As children grow, they inevitably encounter and process negative messages from society. However, fostering authentic friendships at an early age that transcend racial and ethnic lines might be a positive start.
Now, at 5, my son’s identity and racial awareness have matured a bit, yet he still views the world through a colorful lens. He no longer considers himself simply “white like Daddy,” but describes himself as more “peach.” He even excitedly announced during a bath that he shared the same color as his younger brother, who, at that time, was merely a wish.
Maybe he identifies as light brown but not as brown as Mommy, who he thinks is “brown like Uncle Marcus.” These days, he reserves comparisons of Uncle Marcus for certain athletes and musicians, like Sean Combs.
Baby B feels proud to be a blend of both worlds, and honestly, so do I.
For those on a similar journey, you can gain valuable insights on navigating these topics and fostering a sense of identity in your children by visiting our other blog posts, such as the one about our couples fertility journey. Also, for those curious about early pregnancy signs, check out this authority on the topic. If you’re looking for comprehensive information regarding IVF and home insemination, this resource is excellent.
In summary, while my son is beginning to recognize and understand skin color, it’s crucial that we foster an environment that embraces diversity and friendship across all backgrounds. As he grows, I hope he retains this positive perspective on identity and inclusion.