Updated: Dec. 30, 2023
Have you ever faced questions like when you plan to have another child, why you haven’t conceived yet, or even how many kids you already have? If you possess female reproductive organs, chances are you’ve encountered these intrusive inquiries. Society often treats discussions about a woman’s fertility as fair game, rather than recognizing how invasive and presumptuous they can be.
This societal expectation is something that needs to shift. Changing such norms requires time, and unfortunately, we cannot control how others think or behave. While we can respond with politeness or simply walk away, we can’t prevent them from continuing to pose these prying questions to every woman they meet. Nor can we stop them from assuming that every woman is solely focused on motherhood and should feel compelled to fulfill this role.
What we can manage is our own response to this pervasive notion of “mandatory motherhood” and the related ideology of “total motherhood.” Total motherhood perpetuates the belief that all child-rearing responsibilities rest exclusively on the mother’s shoulders. It implies that once a woman becomes a parent, she must sacrifice all personal joys and interests outside of her child. This belief system creates an unrealistic expectation that a mother’s worth is solely tied to her parenting choices, including every aspect of her child’s care.
But let’s be clear: this is a misconception.
Yes, parenting does require sacrifices, but the extreme demands of total motherhood can lead to a sense of entrapment. I’ve heard mothers claim they haven’t stepped out without their child since birth, and others who judge parents for utilizing daycare services, arguing that children should be raised at home. Many parents neglect their own well-being—skipping showers or date nights—sacrificing their identities in the process.
There’s a saying: “If mom isn’t happy, no one is happy.” My experiences affirm this truth. I attempted to embrace the total motherhood concept, but it often left me feeling suffocated and isolated. My happiness dwindled, impacting my family’s mood as well.
However, I discovered that it is possible to be a joyful stay-at-home parent when I stopped martyring myself. I learned early on that prioritizing self-care allowed me to be a better caregiver. When I took time to recharge—whether through writing, yoga, or even enjoying a hot cup of coffee—I became more patient and present for my child.
Everyone deserves time for themselves. Self-care is not just a luxury; it is essential because you matter. So, find your village. If family members are eager to look after your little one, take advantage of that. Collaborate with other parents for childcare swaps, or hand the baby to your partner while you run errands (and don’t forget to treat yourself to a coffee!). Allow your preschooler some screen time while you indulge in a movie of your own.
Make it a priority to reconnect with yourself. Your child will benefit from a happier, more fulfilled parent. They might not express their gratitude until years later, but trust me, they will appreciate it.
For more insights on family planning, consider reading our article on fertility boosters for men. Additionally, resources like Healthline’s guide to intrauterine insemination can provide excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination. You might also find value in this discussion on bullying while navigating societal pressures around motherhood.