One of the first lessons instilled in me during childhood was the importance of saying “please” and “thank you.” As a dutiful student in Catholic school, I adhered to this lesson without fail. Now, expressing gratitude has become second nature; I often conclude emails with a cheerful “thanks!” even when it’s unnecessary.
Since my son was born seven months ago, my inclination to thank my partner, Alex, for his parenting contributions has intensified. I express gratitude for everything from diaper changes to daycare pickups and feedings. These acknowledgments are meant to show my appreciation for not assuming that I should handle all parenting tasks alone.
While I know Alex values my efforts, he doesn’t offer thanks as frequently. This might stem from a belief that I’m merely fulfilling my maternal duties. There’s a deep-seated notion that fathers hunt while mothers gather—an outdated mindset that persists.
Alex is what many would label a “hands-on” dad, a term that often feels like backhanded praise. It’s frequently used by friends and strangers alike when fathers perform routine tasks that would go unnoticed if done by mothers.
Consider this scenario: At a bustling Italian restaurant, a baby starts crying. Dad pulls out a bottle from Mom’s diaper bag and begins feeding the infant while Mom savors her pasta. A nearby diner exclaims, “You’re lucky he’s such a hands-on dad! I always had to do that!” Meanwhile, if the roles were reversed, no one would even blink.
It’s time to elevate our expectations for fathers. They shouldn’t remain passive until it’s time for junior to play sports. Instead, they should strive for partnership with mothers, tackling parenting responsibilities without the expectation of excessive praise.
Some may argue that an equal division of labor is impossible due to biological factors, particularly when it comes to breastfeeding. This is valid if one chooses to breastfeed. My situation was different; my son was born prematurely, and I struggled with milk production. As a result, I pumped and supplemented with formula, allowing Alex to feed him from the very start, even during his NICU stay.
Fathers can and should engage in a variety of tasks beyond feeding. Yes, some mothers might think that dads won’t perform tasks as well as they do. But how can they improve if we don’t give them the opportunity to try?
The rise of stay-at-home dads offers a glimpse of hope that traditional roles are shifting. Both men and women can thrive at home. The next step is facilitating the transition back to the workforce and advocating for paid parental leave for all new parents.
My aspiration is that by the time my son becomes a father, it won’t be seen as extraordinary for him to feed his child. It will simply be a part of parenting, and I won’t have to thank him for it.
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In summary, it’s essential to recognize that parenting is a shared responsibility. Fathers should not be celebrated merely for participating in tasks that mothers routinely handle. As societal norms evolve, we must foster equal partnerships in parenting, ensuring that gratitude for basic tasks becomes a thing of the past.