For every four women who experience healthy pregnancies, there’s one who endures the silent pain of losing a pregnancy. This reality often leads many women to postpone sharing their news until they feel secure, wondering, “What if I’m the one?” The result is a hush around these losses, making it a profoundly sad yet very real experience for families who grapple with the absence of a little life that will never come to be.
When I first saw the word “pregnant” on that test, disbelief washed over me. We had hoped for this moment, yet I couldn’t shake the apprehension. Another pregnancy, another child—I wasn’t sure I was ready to care for a newborn while keeping up with our toddler. Just then, I heard the garage door open; my husband was home.
I had already purchased a onesie for our 18-month-old daughter that proclaimed “Big Sister.” In a flurry of excitement, I rushed downstairs to dress her up, eager to surprise my husband with the news. I set my cell phone to capture his reaction as he walked in. He greeted me with a casual kiss, and I asked if he’d noticed our daughter’s outfit. He glanced over and said, “Yeah,” but then did a double take, his eyes widening as he exclaimed, “Seriously?!” His happiness was contagious, and it made me feel a bit better. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to hit record, so that moment slipped away.
That evening, I found myself venting about how I had skipped hair highlights the previous month. I was already feeling the pressure of looking good while pregnant, and I wasn’t as thrilled about this pregnancy as I had been with my first. As I read more about the developments happening in weeks five and six—how the baby’s brain was forming, with the nose, mouth, ears, and heart to follow—I began to feel a connection to our little one.
We excitedly told our daughter she would have a sibling to love and play with, emphasizing how wonderful a gift this would be for her. But then, the bleeding started—significantly. After two appointments and blood tests, we faced the heartbreaking confirmation: we had lost the pregnancy.
“Forget it,” I thought. “I might as well have a glass of wine.” I poured myself a full bottle and cried for the little life we would never meet. Did I even love that embryo? Or was I too caught up in trivial concerns like my hair? Every baby deserves love, and guilt washed over me. I whispered, “I love you,” to that little life before drifting off to sleep.
I thought I had moved on, but the real challenge came two months later when a wave of pregnancy announcements flooded in from friends, all due around the time our baby would have arrived. Why had no one prepared me for this?
One friend, who had endured a grueling journey through IVF and surgeries, was expecting. I felt nothing but happiness for her. If it came down to it, I’d choose her to carry her pregnancy any day. Another close friend announced her news, and without thinking, I blurted out, “Oh, my baby would have been born that same week.” I hadn’t even shared my brief pregnancy with her. How thoughtless of me! She revealed that she had experienced three miscarriages, and I felt genuine joy for her despite my own grief. Then there was a friend who had always been difficult to deal with, now complaining about her pregnancy, all while I was left with the emptiness of my loss.
Four announcements, and I was the one who wasn’t pregnant anymore. Yet, our OB assured us we could try again—and we were ready for that (wink). This doesn’t have to be a tragic tale; instead, it can be a catalyst for me to embrace and cherish the next pregnancy.
Maybe this experience was a necessary wake-up call. It reminded me to appreciate the gifts in my life. Reflecting back, I realize I hadn’t fully cherished the little life inside of me; I had complained and even feared the journey ahead. Now, I am eager for it.
Since then, an avalanche of friends has announced their due dates, and while it feels overwhelming, I’m focusing on the future. I’ve made a list of things I want to accomplish before becoming pregnant again and am tackling it one item at a time. I’ve visited family, enjoyed a massage, caught up with old friends, and even hit an amusement park.
Next time, I’m determined to capture my husband’s reaction on video so we can immortalize that moment. This time, I will feel prepared for another little one, and I’ll embrace our next gift wholeheartedly. Perhaps I can transform from the woman who lost a pregnancy into one who gets a second chance to appreciate and celebrate it. If you’re interested in exploring home insemination options, you can find more about it here.
In summary, my miscarriage was a painful experience that ultimately taught me valuable lessons about gratitude and appreciation. While the journey ahead may be fraught with uncertainties, I am determined to embrace it with open arms and a heart full of love.