Like many hopeful adoptive parents, I began my journey with the firm belief that I would instantly bond with the baby I was fortunate enough to adopt. With this conviction, I embarked on the path of domestic adoption, convinced that there was no distinction between being a mom through adoption and one through biology. However, six years later, I’ve come to realize I was mistaken—not in the depth of my love for my child, who is truly the center of my universe, but in underestimating the significant role that adoption would play in our lives and my parenting journey. From the very beginning, as I navigated the complexities of my daughter’s adoption story, I understood that integrating adoption into our lives would become one of my most important responsibilities.
Here’s what I’ve learned along the way:
- Discuss Adoption Openly and Frequently: It’s essential to start conversations about adoption as early as possible—even during the newborn phase. I consistently find ways to incorporate discussions about my daughter’s birth mother, siblings, and extended family into our daily life. This openness helps create a comfortable environment surrounding her adoption story.
- Be an Advocate for Adoption: People often make surprising comments regarding adoptees and their birth families. Given that much of what people know about adoption comes from sensationalized portrayals, it’s up to me to educate and protect my child. I want her to grow up knowing that her birth mom didn’t “give her away” but loves her dearly.
- Move Past the Term “Real”: Questions like “Where is her real mom?” are unfortunately common. It’s important to remember that many people simply don’t understand the nuances of adoption. I’ve learned to respond gently, clarifying, “I believe you mean her birth mom.” When my daughter once remarked, “You’re not my real mom,” I replied, “Actually, I am. I care for you every day, and Kim is real too because she carried you and gave birth to you. You have two real moms, which is pretty special!” She shrugged and said, “Yeah.” It’s crucial to manage these moments without letting emotional triggers interfere with parenting.
- Connect with Other Adoptive Families: Engaging with other families who have adopted their children is both empowering and enjoyable. I also make it a point to expose my daughter to various family structures—like single-parent families or those with two dads or moms—so she can appreciate the diversity in family dynamics.
- Cultivate Relationships with Birth Families: Since we share a daughter, her birth family is part of my family too. I actively nurture this relationship by speaking kindly about them to my daughter, incorporating their photos alongside ours, and maintaining contact through social media and visits.
Reflecting on my experiences as an adoptive mother over the past six years, I’ve recognized some of the unique challenges and joys that come with this role. I look forward to discovering even more in the years ahead. For those interested in enhancing their understanding of fertility and family building, exploring resources like this guide on donor conception or checking out this excellent blog on fertility can provide valuable insights. Additionally, if you’re curious about fertility supplements, you might find this post helpful.
Summary
Being an adoptive mother has taught me invaluable lessons about love, advocacy, and the importance of discussing adoption openly. The journey is unique, and embracing both the joys and challenges has shaped our family’s story.