When I went for my 36-week growth ultrasound, the devastating news hit me: my son had passed away. The overwhelming mix of grief and disbelief consumed me. In the weeks that followed, I often woke in the night, momentarily forgetting my loss, only to be jolted back to the harsh reality that this was not a dream. This was my new reality.
People often struggle to find the right words when someone loses a baby. It disrupts the natural order of life, and the lack of terminology for parents who endure such loss is glaring. If you lose your parents, you become an orphan. If a spouse dies, you are a widow or widower. Yet, if you lose a child, society seems to simply be grateful it isn’t them.
In the early days following my loss, conversations with friends and family felt awkward and strained. While some understood that a simple hug and a few comforting words were all I needed, many others resorted to well-meaning but misguided phrases. One of the most common was, “Everything happens for a reason.”
I can’t tell you how frequently I heard this phrase after my loss. I often wonder if people really think about the implications of their words or if they just repeat what they’ve heard, thinking it carries weight. When tragedy strikes, this phrase often emerges as if it can somehow restore balance to the chaos that has unfolded.
Did your beloved pet get hit by a car? Don’t worry, everything happens for a reason. Lost your job and home? Everything happens for a reason. Your partner was unfaithful? Everything happens for a reason. Your child is facing bullying at school? Everything happens for a reason. And when it comes to the heart-wrenching loss of a baby? “Don’t be sad; everything happens for a reason,” they say, even when no one can pinpoint what that reason might be.
The underlying assumption is that, eventually, you will come to see the silver lining or learn an important lesson from your tragedy. It implies that one day, this heart-wrenching experience will somehow make sense. Let me be clear: I completely reject the idea that everything happens for a reason. Anyone who insists otherwise has likely never faced true tragedy.
What reason could ever justify the loss of a perfectly healthy baby? If you can think of one, I’d love to hear it. The truth is, there isn’t one. There is no divine plan that we simply fail to grasp. It just hurts.
Why did my baby die while another is born into addiction? Why was our long-awaited child lost when others are discarded like trash? Every story of an abandoned or abused baby sends me into a furious spiral of grief.
Everything happens for a reason? Absolutely not. The truth is that life is random. Your moral character or religious beliefs do not determine the fate of your child. Did you think that being a good person would spare you from the depths of sorrow? Think again.
Life unfolds without rhyme or reason. Sometimes, good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. That’s the reality we face. You have no control over it, so stop shouldering the blame.
There’s no need to rationalize tragedies by insisting they serve a purpose. Sometimes, the harsh truth is that life doesn’t always offer a lesson or a greater good. It simply happens, often without explanation.
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In summary, the notion that “everything happens for a reason” is often a misguided attempt to make sense of tragedy. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes, it just doesn’t make sense.