I welcomed my youngest child into the world at 26. With a son and a daughter already, my husband and I felt we had completed our family. By “we,” I mean my husband, who only had one sibling and was set on having just two children. Growing up as a middle child, I often envisioned myself as a mother of three. However, at that stage in our lives, we were in our mid-20s, eager to travel and embark on worldly adventures—dreams that seemed impossible with a bunch of little ones. Plus, we realized we would already be 42 (yikes!) by the time our daughter started high school. After much deliberation, I reluctantly agreed. I was turning 30 soon, and who wants to have a baby when they’re that old, anyway?
Then I hit the big 3-0. Suddenly, my biological clock kicked into high gear. My youngest was now in preschool, and I found myself yearning for a baby again. Everywhere I looked, friends in their 30s were announcing pregnancies without a care about advanced maternal age or the prospect of being 50 when their kids graduated from high school.
I began to subtly suggest to my husband, “What about one more baby?” “We’re still young!” “Just look at how adorable they are!” When those didn’t persuade him, I resorted to pleading. “I need this! My heart feels incomplete,” and my personal favorite, “I never got to take maternity photos!” Eventually, he caved (or maybe I just wore him down): We agreed to try for another baby, but under one condition: I had to conceive within a year. If it didn’t happen in those 12 months, we would stop trying. It was settled.
Having taken a few months to conceive my first two children, I knew I needed to take matters into my own hands. I invested in ovulation predictors and pregnancy tests, signed up for an online fertility tracker to monitor my basal body temperature, cycles, and other less glamorous fertility signs like “egg white cervical mucus.” I even purchased a special sperm-friendly lubricant that promised to facilitate the journey for those little swimmers. Strange? Perhaps, but I was determined!
But then, nothing happened.
Month 1:
I thought I picked the optimal week to try (though I never quite mastered the fertility tracker). Panic set in. What if it happened right away? Was I ready for months of morning sickness? We had a Vegas trip planned in a few months. Alright, we’ll try next month.
Month 2:
A baby would be due around Christmas. Not ideal. We’ll wait until next month.
Month 3:
My second child had arrived a month early. Let’s avoid a Christmas baby. Next month it is.
Month 4:
Vegas! Drinks! Gambling! Better to be cautious. Next month!
Months 5, 6, and 7:
It’s summertime! Cancun? Yes, please! Let’s push this off until after the kids are back in school.
Month 8:
Our youngest is in kindergarten now. Do I really want to start over? Does my husband genuinely want another child, or is he simply trying to appease me? What if I face another miscarriage like the first time? I already have two wonderful kids; why am I seeking more? Will having another baby resolve this longing, or will I always crave just one more? I’m conflicted. Perhaps the timing isn’t right.
Month 9:
Maybe we should just get a dog.
Ultimately, I couldn’t commit. Even though my heart still ached for a baby, my hesitation was a clear sign that it wasn’t meant to be. I came to terms with the idea that I might always feel a bit incomplete. Perhaps this is a common sentiment among mothers. Maybe it’s something that lingers for those who have experienced loss. Regardless, expanding our family was simply not in the cards.
Now, at 39, something remarkable has happened. For the first time since I got married, I no longer feel that pang of longing for another baby. It could be the vibrant energy of my new nieces and nephews, or perhaps my biological clock is winding down. Whatever the reason, I now look at my family and, for the first time, I feel a sense of completeness.
This article was originally published on September 12, 2015.
For those interested in family planning, you can check out this article on home insemination kits as a possible option. Additionally, for a wealth of knowledge, this resource on artificial insemination is incredibly informative. If you’re curious about when your baby might arrive, this site offers insights into expected delivery dates.
Summary
The journey of wanting another child can be filled with conflicting emotions and societal pressures. While some may feel the urge to expand their families, others might find peace in the family they already have. As time passes, it’s possible to reach a point of acceptance and fulfillment, regardless of the number of children.