A close friend of mine, a single mom, orchestrates her days with the precision of a military commander. Her routine is meticulous: wake up, nurse the infant while the older child watches a cartoon, prepare breakfast, dress both kids, pack lunches, get herself ready for work while they enjoy another show, drop one off at daycare and the other at preschool, navigate the subway, rush into the office, pick up the kids later, stop for groceries, oversee dinner, give baths, pump while the older child watches yet another episode, and finally, read bedtime stories before cleaning the kitchen, washing the lunch boxes, responding to work emails, and collapsing into bed for what is always a brief night’s rest.
Despite the chaos, she rarely complains. However, during a school pick-up one day, she expressed a desire for her children to watch less television, but lamented that she lacks alternatives while she’s pumping or showering. Another mother chimed in, suggesting, “Can’t you just set out some crayons or crafts? That’ll keep him busy for a bit.” My friend sighed, acknowledging that while she could try, she knows the TV will reliably captivate the kids for 10 to 20 minutes, whereas the crayons lose their allure in mere seconds—plus, there’s the inevitable clean-up afterward.
Another acquaintance, who leads a demanding career and often resorts to ready-made meals for dinner, casually mentioned her wish to prepare home-cooked food. Someone in our circle responded, “Can’t you just meal prep on the weekends and reheat during the week?” My friend simply replied, “Not really,” explaining that her weekends are already filled with errands, chores, and childcare responsibilities.
These exchanges, though seemingly innocuous, left the mothers feeling somewhat diminished. The implication was clear: if they were just more efficient, their kids would be enjoying homemade meals and engaging in enriching activities instead of mindlessly watching TV.
In reality, achieving the ideal of motherhood is a near-impossible task. Even with a flexible work schedule, I find it challenging to juggle cooking, exercising, hobbies, cleaning, and quality time with my children. On any given day, most, if not all, of these activities often fall by the wayside. I appreciate hacks like quick cleaning tips or recipes that yield multiple meals, but they don’t address the core issue—there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. It would be a kindness to acknowledge that not every problem has a neat solution, especially when it means accepting less-than-ideal outcomes, such as takeout or extra screen time.
I, too, faced a “can’t you just…” moment when my second son was six weeks old. A college friend invited us to a park in Manhattan, which was a subway ride from our home in Brooklyn. We didn’t attend because the logistics of getting both kids there felt overwhelming. My friend suggested, “Can’t you just put the baby in the carrier and bring a travel stroller?” Theoretically, yes, but at that moment, I couldn’t fathom the effort of packing the backpack, holding my three-year-old’s hand, and managing the baby’s nursing and naps. No, I couldn’t “just” do anything because I was utterly exhausted. I also felt a twinge of guilt for not making that anticipated trip happen for my son.
This phrase, albeit minor, can amplify the feelings of inadequacy in parents who are already trying hard to manage their lives. Some of us simply can’t prepare meals from scratch, squeeze in exercise, or keep our living spaces spotless. There are days when the only thing we want to do is collapse with a pint of ice cream.
So let’s collectively agree to eliminate this phrase from our conversations. It’s not my role to solve my friends’ dilemmas, especially when they are well aware of the solutions (yes, everyone knows about weekend meal prep). Instead, as a supportive friend, my job is to say, “You know what? Frozen dinners are perfectly fine,” or “We survived on hours of screen time, and we turned out okay.” It’s tempting to offer solutions, but sometimes the best way to help is to reassure someone that they’re doing just fine.
For additional insights on parenthood, check out resources like UCSF’s Center for Reproductive Health and Child Healthcare. If you’re looking into starting your family, consider visiting Cryobaby’s Home Insemination Kit for more information.
Summary
Modern motherhood comes with numerous challenges, and often, well-meaning advice can unintentionally make parents feel inadequate. The phrase “can’t you just…” highlights the unrealistic expectations placed on moms, leading to feelings of guilt and overwhelm. Instead of focusing on solutions, we should foster a supportive environment that acknowledges the hard work parents put in every day.