As my wonderful husband stepped through the door and glanced around at the chaos that was our home, he seemed taken aback by our slightly more chaotic state than usual.
With wide eyes and a tone of disbelief, he gently asked, “Wow, honey. What on earth happened here? What did you do today?”
Oh, isn’t he just the sweetest? I appreciate his concern for the situation unfolding in our home, but oh yes, I was more than ready to fill him in. I didn’t want to be impolite or skip any details, so I laid it all out for him:
You’re right, dear. Honestly, I’m still processing everything myself. I think I’m in shock from the whirlwind of the last nine hours since you left for work. Who am I kidding? It’s probably the cumulative effect of the last eight years on this wild ride we call parenting.
So, where to begin? Should I recount the day in order or start with the most catastrophic event? It might make more sense to go chronologically, but maybe I should just backtrack from the complete mess that I barely survived, hoping I wouldn’t lose my cool before you came home.
First, while I was busy unclogging the toilet—thanks to our daughter and her obsession with toilet paper—I heard a strangled noise from the playroom. Don’t worry, it was just one of the kids’ balloons caught in the fan for the seventh time in 48 hours. Once I grab a stool, I’ll try to free it without losing a hand, as they find it amusing to turn the fan on while I work.
In the midst of preparing mac and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, our son decided to open a new bag of Goldfish in the den. And by “open,” I mean he detonated it, sending Goldfish flying everywhere. As I attempted to sweep up the mess, the mac and cheese boiled over, and thankfully, the baby was just nibbling on my cellphone cord from across the kitchen. Phew, she avoided the boiling water, but chewing on the plugged-in charger isn’t exactly safe either.
As I began serving lunch, the kids tossed all my neatly folded sheets and towels onto the floor, which was already carpeted in dog hair—right where I picked lice out of the girls’ hair this morning. So, instead of having just four loads of laundry left, I’m now staring down seven or eight, since I need to redo everything that was just freshly washed for the fifth time this week.
Speaking of lice, I removed about 50 or 60 nits from the girls’ hair this morning. Maybe once the baby finally takes her nap, if she cooperates, I can use my “quick bathroom break” to pick out more nits that I’m sure I missed earlier. But hey, who really needs to pee anyway? I can always sneak away during dinner while they devour their food as if they haven’t eaten in days—only to create a mess just minutes later.
On the topic of food, I’ve swept the floors three times today, yet they still don’t appear clean. You’ll probably be disgusted to traverse them, as there are remnants of the baby’s crushed Nutri-Grain bar and Cheerios from breakfast that she decided to throw at me instead of eat.
I thought getting dressed would improve my day while the baby was tossing Cheerios around. However, my brief moment of happiness quickly evaporated when I discovered that our sweet little angel had diarrhea leaking from her diaper all over me. Seriously. Forget showers or trying to look presentable; it simply doesn’t matter. Maybe in four years, I can aspire to look normal again.
I managed to get our son to kindergarten camp with only 30 seconds to spare (as usual), and then the girls and I ventured out to grab a few necessities that had been languishing on the list. It wasn’t until we reached the store that I realized one daughter was only in her underwear and the other had no shoes on. Who even needs clothes or shoes? It’s a mystery why we continue to buy them—they rarely wear either.
As my day continued, my double vision morphed into triple vision as my headache escalated. Nobody napped, the dog escaped, and while I attempted to untangle the balloon from the fan, the baby crawled out of her walker and started climbing the stairs—only to tumble down.
But don’t worry; I always maintain control! I iced her little bump, but then two of our kids snuck out back with shampoo, eager to play “Let’s squirt as much shampoo as possible all over each other to see how riled up we can get Mommy!” Aren’t they adorable when they’re being so… creative?
Despite knowing I’m probably the worst cook around, I bravely decided to try making dinner with some chicken in the oven. I know it’s one of your favorites, but of course, something in the oven started to burn, filling the house with smoke and triggering the fire alarms, causing the kids to scream. Our neighbor even rushed over to check if we were being held hostage or if our house was on fire.
When she arrived, I was in just a bra and underwear, as I had changed out of my clothes after the baby’s earlier mess, only for her to throw up on me two hours later. If the kids don’t need clothes, then neither do I, right? So yeah, our neighbor and I will never see each other the same way again.
So, what did I do today? (Insert hearty laughter here as I wipe tears from my eyes.)
What did I do today?
Oh, sweetheart, I dare you to ask me again. Just once more.
In Summary
In summary, the chaotic and often humorous reality of a mother’s day can be overwhelming yet hilarious. From battling with household disasters, managing kids’ antics, and navigating unexpected mishaps, moms truly juggle a lot. If you’re interested in learning more about family planning or home insemination, check out this informative post or visit this excellent resource for more insights on pregnancy and home insemination. Additionally, you can find vital information on children’s health issues like spider bites at this authoritative source.