Parenting Insights
By Jessica Matthews
August 30, 2015
In a moment of much-needed escape, Sarah found herself 300 miles away from home, leaving behind her husband and two teenage children for a night out. “I’m exhausted from being a wife,” she confided as we clinked glasses of pinot grigio while the band began to play. “I’m worn out from being a mom. I just need some time to recharge!” I completely understood her sentiment.
Back when my husband was alive, we often laughed about how much I cherished those evenings when he took our daughter out for their “Daddy-Daughter Date Nights.” Don’t even get me started on how glorious “Daddy-Daughter Weekend” was! During those times, I wouldn’t plan a thing. I would curl up in bed, unconcerned about what to eat—perhaps a quick salad, some cheese and crackers, or even just a handful of chocolate chips. It was my time, and I cherished it. I’d lose myself in the latest episodes of the Real Housewives series, savoring every moment without having to share the remote or the bed. No one to cater to? Pure bliss.
Now, as a widow, those solitary evenings aren’t the indulgent escapes they once were. I often feel bored, lonely, and anxious. I can’t count how many times I’ve listened to friends lament about their partners being away for a night or two, venting about the burdens of managing everything at home. For them, it’s a temporary situation. My husband is gone for good, which is why I tend to stay silent during such conversations.
Sarah felt relieved that her husband was spending quality time with their kids without her. “They need this,” she remarked. “He should be more involved, and the kids should bond with him.” I resonated with that feeling.
In my marriage, we had a clear division of responsibilities: I managed our daughter and the household—cooking, doctor visits, and school activities—while my husband, Mark, took care of the outdoor tasks and the pets. Mark was a dedicated and loving father, yet I often felt like a single mom. I mistakenly thought I was doing everything, while he merely walked the dogs!
Looking back, I realize I was mistaken. His mere presence provided balance. Yes, I was responsible for meals, but he helped with the dishes. I handled laundry, but he folded it. Whenever our daughter faced challenges, it was Mark who could lift her spirits. Without fail, he would drop her off at school each morning and even tucked her in every night, long after she had outgrown it.
Having spent almost 20 years with Mark, I learned that marriages have their ups and downs. To navigate through the rough patches, love, trust, and respect were essential, even when patience wore thin. We both understood the value of personal space. If Mark were here today, I would probably be the one spearheading the “Girls’ Night Out” movement, and he would support me wholeheartedly.
Now, I don’t feel the same urge to escape. When I do find a rare moment of free time, I prefer to spend it with my new partner, David. Our relationship is still fresh, and while I hope to remain optimistic, I can foresee a time when I might opt out of some of his events. Perhaps I’ll encourage him to spend a night with his son, allowing me to indulge in some guilty pleasure TV. Maybe I’ll join a friend for a drive up the coast simply because she invites me.
While it’s hard to imagine now that we’re so captivated by one another, I recognize that healthy relationships require space. Couples need time apart to grow, which is precisely why Sarah indulged in another glass of pinot before hitting the dance floor.
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