Becoming a parent can be a daunting experience, especially for those who have never navigated the world of childcare before. As a new parent, you’re likely to seek guidance and reassurance from seasoned parents—those who have successfully traversed the challenges of infancy and can offer wisdom on everything from breastfeeding techniques to assembling a co-sleeper. However, not all advice is created equal, and some seasoned parents can be, well, less than useful. Here are eight distinct types of veteran parents that every new parent is bound to meet.
1. The Baby Whisperer
Often an elder, perhaps a grandmother, this parent claims to have an almost mystical connection with infants. They will inform you, the new parent, about what your baby “really desires”—whether it be being held, fed, or changed—typically right when they’re ready to hand the baby back. If their insights go unheeded, they may escalate to the role of the Ventriloquist Parent.
2. The Ventriloquist Parent
This parent adopts a playful, almost theatrical approach, speaking in exaggerated baby talk as though they are the infant. When the baby cries—despite having been fed multiple times—they may hold the baby out and say something like, “Oh no! I’m hungwy!” It can be hard to react with frustration because, after all, aren’t you just upset with the baby? A clever tactic, Ventriloquist Parent.
3. The Hazing Parent
This individual, often a father figure, takes pleasure in reminding new parents of the challenges they face. Complaining about exhaustion? They’ll confidently assert that things only get tougher once the baby arrives. Once your child is born, they’ll regale you with tales of sleepless nights that linger far beyond the newborn phase, making their advice seem cruel.
4. The Forgetful Parent
Usually an older sister or someone with school-aged kids, this parent seems eager to help but holds the baby as if it’s a fragile artifact. They might have forgotten the basics, such as how to warm a bottle or care for a newborn’s umbilical stump. Occasionally, a flicker of recognition may appear, only to be followed by horror as they exclaim, “Oh right, I remember this!”
5. The “In My Day” Parent
Generally of an older generation, this parent tends to romanticize the past, forgetting the advancements in child safety and care. They might scoff at your sunscreen application or question your car seat safety measures, saying things like, “In my day, we were just fine without all that!” Their dismissiveness can be frustrating as they ignore the very real dangers that exist today.
6. The Sneaky Snack Parent
This type of parent is mysterious, often leaving your child looking ill after a visit. They appear to have fed your toddler a bizarre mix of sweets that leaves them reluctant to eat dinner. When confronted about their culinary choices, they’ll deflect by claiming they could tell the child “needed a treat.”
7. The Overly Concerned Parent
This often comes in the form of a stranger, hovering around to inform you of all the potential dangers your child might face, whether in a store or on a seemingly safe playground. Their comments, masked as concern, subtly imply that you are inadequately watching your child, which can be quite aggravating.
8. The Blessing Parent
This is the most supportive type of seasoned parent. They drop by with homemade meals, take care of the baby, and even handle chores. They lend a listening ear while you vent about your struggles, offering comfort and assistance during those challenging postpartum days.
With any luck, your encounters with the first seven types of parents will be brief, while your relationship with the Blessing Parent will be long-lasting. After all, someone has to help you figure out that co-sleeper!
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